The Deadly Sins of Dating
I rant, I rave, I loose my mind… and yet there doesn’t seem to be a good enough rule code for people and dating – So, I’m pleading with God… can we please “update” our list of deadly sins to have a category that might include: The Dating Sins of the 21st Century – especially those sins of dating “Post 25”. Having dated more than my fair share, and having friends who’ve also added to the book of stories – we seriously need to discuss the “Sins of Dating”. As such, I present my case for “The Rules and Regulations of Dating, and the Sins Committed Hence Forth”. ( started off with about 50 in the draft … but with this being the “Seven Deadly Sins” … I decided to try and limit the list…. these are the ones that were kept after training camp):
1- Dishonety: You can be wonderful, but you need to be honest. No matter how wonderful you make yourself out to be when dating, you end up unhappy if faking it over time.
2- NO “I love you” on the FIRST DATE. Let me explain something really important here: You CAN NOT be in love after a week. You can not be in love after two weeks. Hell, even in the first month, it CAN’T be love. It’s lust; Get over it. You can absolutely love what you know so far about the person. You can love every aspect of that. You can love the way you feel when you’re with that person. You can even be in love with that person’s body, and how that body makes you feel. That, is cool. However, you cannot be “in love” with that person. You don’t know them. You have no idea how bad their feet smell after a week in the same room with you. You don’t know how often they don’t remember to flush. You don’t know if they pick their nose when you’re not around. It’s love when you know the dumb stuff, and still want the person to be 100% part of your life. So, if you get dumped in the first two months, you don’t get to whine about it for the next year. You didn’t love him/her – you built up a fantasy in your mind about what was going on, and you fell for your own fantasy. Chances are – that person didn’t even exist.
3- No Marriage Proposals in the First Month: Girls, if you meet a guy, and decide in the first month that you are going to marry him, and bear his children, please find the first door and simply attempt to jar your brain back into its original position. Chances are you fit into the demographic for the rule above, and have not yet realized you know nothing about what really happened with the original hook up, and that you may have been second choice after you best friend crawled out of bed and turned the guy down. Besides, what do you honestly know about someone after a month? NOTHING.
4- The Sin of Re-Runs: For some reason, the human mind forces the thought that there could be a possibility to go back and re-write history. Even though we could not make a relationship work the first time, we will somehow magically make it work the second time around? I am here to confirm for you something that everyone reading this already knows. Re-runs do not work. I don’t care how often you attempt to make a relationship work, if it didn’t work the first time around, it won’t work any other time.
5- The Sleep Over – and the Expectations: If someone chooses to stay the night, please understand that when they say, “your bed’s comfy,” it simply means that they think your bed is comfy. Perhaps they really are just looking for a comfortable night’s sleep. And they could TOTALLY be out of there before you wake up. Sometimes you may have exhausted them, and they simply needed a power nap. Someone liking your bed is in NO WAY a reflection that they are looking for a long term commitment. Sleep. It’s important.
6- Moving from “The one-night-stand” to “Relationship”: One night stands do exist; they’ve happened to all of us. However, when people attempt to make a relationship out of something that began as a one night stand, they’re chasing something implausible. There is a thought that great chemistry allows you to believe that there is a connection – however, how do you ever make the mental connections that makes a real relationship work, when you spend the first 3 months of the relationship in bed? No build up. No sustenance.
7- Sex in Friendship: Sex is sex. Yes, it’s true. However, it has been greatly debated amongst the women, and we have come to a certain kind of explanation. You can have a one night stand, and walk away. You can have sex – with a friend, after a few drinks – and still keep the friendship. However, you add sex to a friendship, and have that sex happen on a regular basis, and you will have one person get their heart more involved than the other. This being the case, the friendship is somehow changed, and will never quite be the same. Knowing this before entering into this type of relationship could be both good and bad. There is always the possibility that the friendship could grow into something more then what it was – and there is the possibility that the entire friendship will fall apart. There is no way of knowing. The only knowledge is that at some point a choice will have to be made. Either you go forward, or you move on. That’s it. A choice… just like everything else in life.
About Tee
Hmmm, there are plenty more “sins” you can add to this list. One that comes to mind is “don’t date unless you’re ready”. This sin can cover a very large area, but let me condense this into an experience I had. I went on a date with this one woman who I really liked (we had hung out together in the past with a mutual friend). On our date, we both discovered that we had a lot in common and the conversation never waned. Without going into too much detail, the date was a good one. But, here is the problem. The woman I went on the date with wasn’t ready to go any further than that date. We still hung out here and there (although now we hardly even talk) and consider ourselves friends. Later, I discovered that this woman, while dating me, still had a warped thing for this guy she dated before me. Kind of a revenge type thing. Well, obviously I didn’t get a fair shake because of this (and I’m sure the revenge part didn’t quite turn out the way she wanted).
OK, so this story is obviously missing some major details, but my thought is this. If you still got something going on for someone else, then you’re not ready to date. Even if it’s a revenge, get him jealous, sex type of thing (hmmm, that might a bit more descriptive that I want it to be, but, oh well).
Bottom line, go into dating someone with a clean slate. If there is a past “thing” that’s still there (in whatever form), you’re probably not ready to date someone else. Give the other guy a fair chance!
Love your article. So much of what you say makes a lot of sense (although I don’t agree with everything, but so is life). Keep up the good writing.
Awesome List. May I add my personal favorite?
This isn’t in my timeline. Timeline schmimeline, when it’s right it’s right. No excuses. Stop wasting the other person’s time. This goes for both parties. If someone says that they don’t have time & refuse to get involved, stop dating them. And walk away. Unless you’re an emotional masochist.
I’m “in love” with your post. Or at least I know that I love the message of each of your rules. Am I “in love” with them? Um…now I’m not sure. Love is so confusing.
I am forced to write an appendage to the above blog… In the last month, there is great debate about the fact that I may have committed most (if not all) the above sins. I am chagrin to admit there is a distinct possibility that if I didn’t admit to having committed these afore mentioned sins, someone may act as my confessor and out me for it. Sigh… Dating…
Disclaimer … I do not admit to anything straight out… just that there is a possibility… a distinct possibility… sigh…
Surely we’ve all committed at least one of your mentioned sins. Confession: 2 (I blame this on alcohol….this has not happened without inebriation) , 4, 6, & 7. All have ended in disaster.
I will tell you – I laugh – cause you are NOT the only one! And this is not a "female only" kind of thing!
How did you ever condense the list?!!! Totally agree with everything…especially number one…most important thing in any relationship, dating or not! If you want your partner to be your friend as well, you need to be honest…with them and most of all yourself!!!
Thanks for the tidbits, but I think I need more…
I’m just glad that “don’t get pregnant with an asshole’s baby before meeting the love of your life” isn’t a sin. Whew! Guess I don’t have to go to confession after all…
Well… maybe I should post some of the other rules that made the top 50 list… if interested… let me know… I’ll share with you what was learned in my “survey” of the dating world.
Oh… and llxt – I completely agree!
Please everyone, don’t utterly discredit falling in love in one month or even a ten day period. I have been married to my best friend for 24 years – this after a 10 day – one night stand! It happend to me and to someone very close to me…they have been together 27 years! They met, fell in love and moved in together in one week! It can happen… admittedly not often and you have to work at your relationship HARD! But oh it is so worth it, be careful of your hearts. Enjoy what life has to offer and try not to be bitter. I believe it is true that there is someone out there for everyone you just have to find them!
Ding, I think it’s okay to have “hope,” but what Tee is advising is Very Important. You can think that you are in love in the first 5 minutes and you can tell everyone else in your life that you are in love for the first few weeks, but Don’t Tell Him or Her. (At least not until your 50th wedding anniversary.)
50th Wedding Anniversary? Seriously? Do those still happen??
“2- NO “I love you” on the FIRST DATE”
I can’t believe this really happens—and I’m a dyke. Like, with the U-Hauls and all that.
I know! My “U-Haul” friends laughed their asses off at me when that one happened! They couldn’t believe it! And – btw- they did move in together in their first month!
Yup, I had a friend of mine tell a guy that! I almost died, and then said asked if he said “Thank you”? Her response – I don’t think he really thought much of me after that… it just kinda slipped out.
HOW DOES THAT JUST SLIP OUT?
Great list! I agree with everything but would add a couple of thoughts.
First, re-runs don’t have to, and probably shouldn’t, try to reproduce the same relationship that didn’t work before. However, you can re-run the same guy with a different kind of relationship. I’ve got one good guy friend who used to be more than that, and it seems to work fine.
Second, there’s sex and there’s sex. Friendship isn’t complicated by a little fun and a little flirting, as long as we both know what we’re doing. I know that it could get complicated but it can also just add to the friendship.