« »

Welcome and Congratulations!

Welcome to Smith, Williams & Klein LLP and congratulations on your new Senior Associate position! We are delighted to have you as a member of our team of the finest lawyers in the country. I know there has been a lot of apprehension concerning Smith Williams’ acquisition of Levy, Viola & Thomas. We were quite envious of the quality of LV&T’s work over the years. If you can’t beat them, acquire them! Rest assured you and the other former LV&T staff will be treated like a member of the Smith Williams family from day one. It was unfortunate that we could only offer positions in the new Smith Williams to a few LV&T employees, but you can’t make the country’s best omelet without breaking a few eggs.

You will notice on the schedule emailed to your new Blackberry that you are to meet with Lucy Fiero, our Media Relations Professional/Webmaster, at 9:30 to go over your biography for Smith Williams award-winning website. You will want to make sure she knows about all the accolades you listed on your resume. At Smith Williams, we take great pride in the exceptional backgrounds of our attorneys. We have found clients enjoy hearing about the superb qualities of a Smith Williams lawyer. That’s why our motto is “Be Impressive,” which you will notice is printed prominently on our letterhead and business cards. I know you have dedicated a good portion of your time to do pro bono work on behalf of children. Smith Williams encourages its attorneys to get involved in the community. However, don’t forget that your first priority will be to Smith Williams and its paying clients.

That said, at 11:00 you will be meeting with the Management Committee to go over work and billable hour requirements. As I am sure you’ve heard, nearly all of our staff work at least 14 hour days plus weekends. Laziness is not in our vocabulary, which just happens to be our secondary motto. We know these requirements don’t leave much time for your home life, but we believe our generous salaries and bonuses make up for it. Plus, these requirements have led Smith Williams to the top of the Highest Grossing Law Firms list for 10 years running. We work hard, but we earn harder!

Speaking of work, we want to get you going on matters right away. You will notice files in your inbox for cases we have assigned to you. The first one involves Senator McKenzie, one of our most important clients. The Senator has been a close friend of mine for many years and several Smith Williams partners used to serve on his staff. The Senator is currently involved in a sensitive private situation. A former mistress is threatening to go public with their affair and the Senator’s particular sexual preferences unless he provides her with money and a high profile job. Unfortunately, the Senator has been in this kind of situation before, but the firm has been able to negotiate settlements in the previous matters while preserving the Senator’s public image. The file includes summaries of the Senator’s previous indiscretions and the related settlements. You will also find a report from our investigation into the mistress’ past. Let’s just say this is not her first rodeo with an elected official. We will want an initial memo drafted this afternoon.

The second file concerns a criminal defense. Normally we wouldn’t take such a case, but there are special circumstances involved. One of our former partners has been accused of helping cover up a murder that occurred in the rented basement unit of the brownstone he owns with his partner. The police have accused the basement unit tenant of flying into a rage and killing the victim after having his advances denied. The police are also alleging there was more than just a landlord-tenant relationship occurring at the brownstone and they believe the crime scene was scrubbed clean. You will need to conduct interviews as soon as possible so we can determine if we will continue with this representation. First and foremost, we need to preserve Smith Williams’ reputation! Please have an interview outline ready before you leave tonight.

The last file involves one of our hedge fund clients being sued by an investor for misappropriation of funds. This case will need your utmost attention because it involves a considerable amount of money to our client and in the amount of fees we can charge. Also, we will have to be prepared for the regulators to jump all over our client on this one. They are always trying to screw our clients! We have made dinner reservations to meet with the client at Premium Steakhouse’s private dining room tonight at 8:00. They make the best 48 ounce porterhouse in the city. It is literally too big to eat. I usually have more than half left on my plate when I beg the waiter to take it away.

If you have any questions, please feel free to send a message to my administrative assistant. Again, welcome to Smith Williams! We look forward to monopolizing your unique talents.


Melvin “Mel” Pfister
Managing Partner

*Please shred this document after reading

3 responses to “Welcome and Congratulations!”

  1. acbauch123 acbauch123 says:

    Man, I’m so glad I no longer work in a lawyer’s office. Sketchy as all sketch! :0{

    • Avatar llxt says:

      yes, and I’m glad I didn’t go for that law school career. JUST KIDDING. hey–did you know there’s only one difference between lawyers and fiction writers? lawyers get paid. (cue audience laughter)

  2. Nice! I wish that I could write something this dopetastic. However, I think my attempt would quickly veer off into a whiny bitching rant about the work I do.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

« »
RSS | Contact | Contribute | Login


December 2009
Season Finale
November 2009
{Seven Deadly} Sins
October 2009
Mischief Making
September 2009
Green Ethics
August 2009