Oh I Could be Condemned to Hell for Every Sin but Littering
Within 5 minutes of finding out what November’s theme is, I knew exactly how to approach this subject. How better to write about the Seven Deadly Sins than to partake in them & document said sinning? Which is just what I did. On Halloween. At a party. With a whole lot of strangers. Who I’ll never see again. (hopefully!) So here’s how it went.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on baby let me know
This is the easiest sin & my personal favorite. However, this year I wanted a challenge. Making out with strangers is too easy. So instead I did something that is not so easy for me. I dressed up. With makeup on. And a dangerously low-cut blue dress. Granted, I did not cross the line into hooker boots or anything but this was certainly pushing it. Once the night got rolling, looking of lust tied in with greed in that the dress certainly contributed to receiving several free drinks & thus getting my already drunk ass more drunk (gluttony), which drastically increased the chances of a dance floor make out session. But guess what. I actually stuck with what I decided in the beginning of the night & kept my lips to myself. Provocative dancing, aside, I my lustiness stayed contained to the bosoms that were theeeees close to popping out & breaking free.
I’m lazy when speaking, I’m lazy when I walk, I’m lazy when I’m dancing, I’m lazy when I talk
First, I took taxis everywhere. No walking. Simple enough, right? Well, sloth also reared its ugly head in the form of good ideas going to pot. Upon embarking on this uber-evil adventure, I brought my camera & planned to take pictures. Guess what I found on my camera while quite hungover on Sunday morning. Very few, very bad pictures. So instead of organizing pictures for this post, I continued to practice sloth through Sunday by parking my (probably still a little drunk) ass on the couch & staying there, watching teevee on deeveedee (gossip girl….watching gluttony).
He said be proud of what you are, there’s something special ‘bout people like us
Upon arriving at the bar, I found no familiar faces. What to do? My general nature would be to strike up conversation with random strangers, digging desperately for something in common. But NO, I was too proud & stood in the corner, sucking down gin & tonics with my “bitch face” on (which I’m sure looks more like I’m constipated or something but whatever).
Everything you do is so delicate. Everything you do is so angelic. Why can’t I be you?
It’s Halloween–the one day of the year that you can’t tell prostitutes from non-prostitutes); there were plenty of women at the party who had better legs than me, prettier faces, better skin, lovely boyfriends who obviously adore them, etc. Envy might be my least favorite because it’s easy but not fun enough to evoke the motivation to do anything creative (as lust did). All I need to really do is look at a picture of Christy Turlington & “lipsuction” & “face lift” are no longer such bad ideas. God, I hate my thighs.
The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees, I want money.
Two words: Free drinks. Lots and lots of free drinks. Then, not tipping the taxi driver.
I go to parties, sometimes until four, it’s hard to leave when you can’t find the door
The night began with gin. And from there, moved on to tequila, vodka, and whatever beer people were buying me. Which is where greed comes back in. Someone else buying me drinks. Because of the dress I was wearing (lusty busty to the rescue!), there was never a moment without holding a beverage of some sort, which completely inflated my ego (pride) since all of these new-found friends (see: strangers) thought I was hot & bought drinks without me lifting a finger (sloth).
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
So it’s the end of the night & we’re all wasted, I’ve lost my pitchfork (pretty sure Andy of “Raggety Ann and company” stole it). My wig was nowhere to be found, so that’s gone too. It’s 1 a.m. & we’re getting kicked out to go home. So I’m standing outside, it’s rainy, I’m cold. And, of course, with that much liquor & dancing in me I’d be entertained talking to a tree (and have done it before….usually it’s to the flowers but whatever) so I’m laughing & talking it up. Some dude next to me was going to Central Square so I was like “dude let’s split a cab I’m going through Central”. Off we go. Laughing, telling stories of the night, all that good stuff and then I realize that the cabbie is taking a really long way to get home & just kind of zigzagging along. And so I say “dude, where the hell are you going I need to get home why didn’t you take that left?” & the cabbie’s like “no, you don’t know where you’re going”, to which I slur something of “you don’t think I know where I live, you’re a jerk take me home!”. And low & behold, we started going in a more direct direction towards my home. And I started fuming. Taxis in Boston have a reputation for dicking people around & this is not the first time it’s happened to me. So when jerk-face taxi guy finally got to my house I (literally) threw a 20 at him & was like “no tip for you, Jackoff!”
Upon getting out of the car, my phone fell off of my lap & onto the ground & broke into pieces & the taxi zoomed off, which made me even more pissed off. I decided the logical way to take out this wrath was drunk emailing to let someone know that they would not be getting a drunk dial because the “stupid fucking cabbie ran over my stupid piece of shit phone.” Almost immediately, I passed out without fully changing into pajamas & woke up at exactly 8 a.m. to find that my phone was not fully broken, just missing pieces, which were lying right outside in the rain.
And in the end? The sins tend to string together. Lust begets greed which begets gluttony which begets sloth which people are envious of but too proud to admit, eventually leading a taxi cab driver running over my phone. Most of the sins were very fun to engage in & I have every intention of practicing them on a regular basis. Maybe even tonight! (spoiler: definitely). Whereas, standing around acting like a bitch (pride), getting upset at a taxi driver (wrath), not walking anywhere (sloth) & being jealous of other women’s thighs (envy) felt more like a chore.
Overall rating: 7.3.
Would I suggest this experiment to others? Yes, but I also think the pleasure derived from sinning is probably greater in spontaneity.