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How to Not Get Laid at a Wedding: A Guide.

Two beautiful people, who I am honored to call friends, wedded this past weekend in the lovely state of Vermont. While not quite a “destination wedding”, we made a weekend of it. Saturday evening the crew descended on Woodstock, VT, to subsequently fill our time with shopping, hiking, eating, jay-walking, gawking, and catching up. While the atmosphere of town proved charming and relaxing, the main attraction was obviously the wedding on Sunday afternoon.

Pages could be written about the ceremony and reception, how well it projected the lovely couple, their personalities, their creativity, their love for life and each other, but it would not properly demonstrate just how amazing the entire celebration turned out.

Um, I think you need to just cut the crap and get to the point. Who did you bang?

No one.

That’s total bullshit. No one goes to a wedding single and doesn’t get banged. You have to bang at weddings. People get all emotional. Women cry, men get the idea that maybe they, too, could someday make a commitment after ingesting enough booze. If you can’t get laid at a wedding, then you may as well just hang up your hat.

Guess it’s time to hang up my hat then.

(sidenote: I really did wear a hat to the wedding…going for the whole English Wedding look)

No. Really? I was trying to egg you on.. You didn’t even put up a fight. What, I mean, how? I don’t get it. Did you wear sign that says “Cat Lady In Training” or something?

Not at all. On the ride back to Boston today Doba and I discussed this phenomenon. Neither of us got as much as a sloppy make out on the dance floor after the parents went home, and not for the lack of trying. During the two and a half hour car ride home we came up with some hypotheses as to how this happened.

Oh boy, can’t wait to hear your excuses for this atrocity.

If you don’t drink at a wedding, then you severely decrease your chances of rando-bangs. It’s true. Have you ever tried this? I can almost promise you a no-bang situation.

A very common pick-up line at weddings is “can I get you a drink?”. Upon answering “water would be good”, the look on the asking party’s face drops dramatically. They immediately realize that your judgment is not impaired by the sweet, sweet nectar of boozemahol. Uh oh. Lesser common pick-up lines such as “are those real?” also don’t go over as well on people who are not all dranked up. The response of “why yes, my eyelashes are real, thank you for noticing them” is not what the asking party was expecting, knocking them off their game and generally leading them to confuse your quick wit flirtiness with bitchiness.

Lacking lovely lady ethanol, you also see clearly out of your peepers. That unpredictable change from that-guy/gal-who’s-kind-of-meh to whooooo’s-thhaaaat moment doesn’t happen. Without the aid of a stellar personality, no one becomes incredibly more attractive as the night goes on. And let’s be honest, the guy/gal with the great personality probably has an amazing guy or gal on their arm.

Woah woah woah. No drinking at a wedding? Are you having like a test tube baby or something? Have you gone mad?

Nah. I just didn’t feel like it.

God, I do not understand you. Next thing I know, you’ll be signing up for the monastery or something.

Moving on…as a single, straight lady, if you surround yourself with hot, amazing-dancer, gay male friends, then the straight guy with two left feet will almost certainly not approach you, lest no-bang. Last night I was completely spoiled by a half dozen gorgeous, well-groomed men who just wanted to dance, dance, dance the night away. That is not a complaint. It’s like twirling around in a utopia of protection and love. While in this cocoon, your confidence soars. You feel pretty and important and safe. Because you are all those things. Extra, special, more risky dance moves and open conversation comfortably flow. And you look and feel hot. While this exhilarating situation leaves you beaming, it can prove intimidating to the male watching from a distance as you exude beauty from your fortress.

In the case that the cute guy you’ve been eyeing all night does approach you, immediate reversion to safe behavior occurs, hoping desperately that he’ll take the lead. This rarely occurs due to two things. If he does approach you, he’s probably quite inebriated, thus not as sharp as he may usually be. This could work out if you, too, are all boozed up. Chances are, though, that if you are, then you’d have been dancing with the straights shortly after the first 30 minutes with the goal of having a bang maid secured by the second half of the reception. The second reason being that inebriated or not, you’ve lost your magical energy exchange and are now on your own. No longer are you surrounded by lovely, supportive men, gazing into your eyes, communicating without words just how gorgeous you look. Fumbling for words or trying to follow his dance lead, confidence decreases and it can quickly go south from there, leaving both of you at a loss for words (sooo…how’s that local sports team?) or stepping on each other’s toes to Lady Gaga (tragic).

So, you’re saying that you didn’t get laid because you spent the night sipping on Diet Coke, getting down with your man friends?

Pretty much. And it was great. That was hands-down the most fun I’ve had at a wedding in forever. Plus, I got to sincerely interact with some of my closest and dearest friends without slurring my words or saying something over-emotional like “but I dooooon’t unnderstannnd whhhyyyy aaaam I stiiillll alooooneeee….alllll alloooooone”.

Barf. You better step it up at the next wedding, sister.

Whatever. Maybe by the next one I won’t have to.

7 responses to “How to Not Get Laid at a Wedding: A Guide.”

  1. emmyem7 emmyem7 says:

    Thank you thank you! Got a good suggestion from a hot mom (cough cough) and ran with it.

  2. llxt llxt says:

    Yes, but to prove EmmyEm's point, both you and said man were shitfaced.

  3. Avatar The Tailor says:

    And here I thought the idea of getting laid at weddings was purely a stereotype.

  4. emmy em emmy em says:

    The plan is still on. While in town I was looking at real estate.

  5. great post, very informative. I wonder why the other experts of this sector don’t notice this. You must continue your writing. I’m sure, you have a huge readers’ base already!

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