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Do you feel like you are missing a piece of the puzzle? Have you been waiting for a flash of understanding? Is that “a-ha” moment just beyond your grasp? Give ePIPHANIES a try! ePIPHANIES will provide you with answers to all of those questions about yourself that have you bewildered. In this world of instant information and gratification, shouldn’t your self-awareness be the same way?

Using ePIPHANIES is quick and easy. Just go to our website and register for your free account. You will receive an email from one of our trained professionals welcoming you to the ever expanding ePIPHANIES community and our unique questionnaire to get you started on the road to enlightenment. The questionnaire covers your personal, relationship, and sexual history and is designed to allow ePIPHANIES to find the answers you have been seeking that years of self-reflection and expensive therapy have not provided. After filling out the online questionnaire, just submit it back to ePIPHANIES with a current color photo of yourself. Within days you will receive your first ePIPHANY for the low cost of $19.95!

“For years I had struggled to understand my behavior. I spent money I didn’t have and criticized my family at every opportunity. Then I joined ePIPHANIES and received the answer. I had turned into my mother. Thanks ePIPHANIES!” – Betsy Bannister

“I used to go to bars and wonder why girls weren’t responding to my attempts to pick them up. ePIPHANIES was quick to provide me the reason. I dressed like a dickhead. Thanks ePIPHANIES! – Henry Hammer

The way you receive your ePIPHANY is customizable. You may receive your ePIPHANY through an email, text message, post card, or voicemail. For an additional fee, you can even receive your ePIPHANY from one of our celebrity spokespeople.

“Ordinarily I would have doubted my ePIPHANY, but hearing George Hamilton on my voicemail tell me that I can’t change my boyfriend really helped it sink in. Thanks ePIPHANIES!” – Sally Smith

ePIPHANIES also provides the option of sharing your ePIPHANY with others through services like Facebook and Twitter. ePIPHANIES has literally helped dozens share their newfound insight through the power of social networking.

“With the click of a button I was able to share my ePIPHANY as a Facebook status update. Within minutes of getting my realization, my family, friends, and acquaintances all knew that I was bicurious. Thanks ePIPHANIES!” – Matt Manning

After you receive your first ePIPHANY, you can log into our website and receive additional insights for the same low price of $19.95. You can also choose the type of ePIPHANY you would like to receive such as a hard truth or an affirmation.

“I was wondering why I would hear snickering when I walked by my colleagues at the office. So I logged into ePIPHANIES and opted to get a hard truth. Three days later I received a handsome post card that told me the toupee was fooling no one. Thanks ePIPHANIES!” – Ted Thompson

“I was going through a low self-esteem period recently when I decided to receive an ePIPHANIES affirmation. Hearing that I am better looking than I think really made my day. Thanks ePIPHANIES!” – Doris Dalrymple

The possibilities are almost endless. Join ePIPHANIES today and shed the old clueless you and become the enlightened individual you want to be. You have nothing to lose but your ignorance.

*ePIPHANIES is a division of Awakenings Inc. ePIPHANIES does not guarantee the accuracy or customer satisfaction of its product. Member’s personal, relationship, and sexual history may be used for the enjoyment of ePIPHANIES staff and may be sold to producers of adult films. ePIPHANIES may also sell member’s email addresses to distributors of spam communications.

5 responses to “ePIPHANIES”

  1. Avatar tee says:

    That was hilarious… crying laughing so hard… can I sign up other s up for the ePIPHANY services? I mean to say, I'll help the company with writing the needed text!! LOL

  2. Avatar WreckedUm says:

    Fucking brilliant. There's cash to be made here.

  3. jasonleary jasonleary says:

    Bob, you are mastering your sardonic innards and turning it into most splendid words. Just an amazing piece.

  4. Avatar llxt says:

    It seems with Facebook "status updates" and enough manpower, we could totally get ePIPHANIES off the ground. maybe when 30POV has an intern?

  5. Avatar Karen says:

    I know a couple of people that would probably sign up for something like this. Crap. If that's the company I keep, what does it say about me? Maybe I need a hard truth!

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