Small Crimes Deserving Revised Sentences
- Woman kills man who calls her a bitch. Revision: Increase the man’s punishment to jail time for his family. And of course the woman should get no time. Someone has to put a stop to casual “bitch” references.
- Jaywalking in Boston. Revision: Can we formally make this legal? We all know someday some pissed-off police officer is going to issue a ticket to the throng jaywalking in front of him. Let’s eliminate the infinitesimal chance of being fined once and for all.
- Getting a boner at a public pool. Revision: Let’s charge $50 to those charged, plus reduction of wages if the boner is small.
- Looking at a girl’s ass. Revision: $250 fine for every time caught. Sound high? Not if you know how to look at girl’s ass without getting caught. Down with stupidity!
- Looking at a guy’s ass. Revision: $15 charge for not doing this once a month. Let’s see Big Government’s help in giving a guy’s butt some due lookage. Side revision: 10 years in prison for anyone who refers to any ass as “buns.”
- Tucking a T-shirt into jeans. Revision: Capital punishment. Dress up or dress down, but not in between.
- Going to a barely legal website. Revision: A letter to your parents, extended family, friends, acquaintances, familiar clergy, co-workers, schoolmates and teachers, plus a billboard erected in your neighborhood notifying everyone in the area of your choice of websites. To paraphrase Patton Oswalt, isn’t Barely Legal the same as being Almost a Pedophile?
- Eating veal. Revision: Something, for God’s sake. Maybe your children being put into a small cage, fattened, and then sent to a family of high-end calves to be consumed with some pasta fagioli and tiramasu?
- Honking at women. Revision: Immediate loss of license, plus 100 hours in the Shake It, Don’t Break It Mama wing of the local psychiatric ward.
- Bumming cigarettes. Revision: Loss of supermarket and gas station privileges for a month so you’re forced to bum other items from people and therefore see how ridiculous and affronting your request is.
Small Crimes Deserving Decriminalization
- Using nice drugs.
- Easily identified fraud (rationalization: those suckers deserve it)
- Liking classic rock (Let’s be fair, most radio stations don’t offer legit alternatives to CSNY.)
- Driving SUVs (Unless those against these gas-guzzlahs have made major steps to reduce their carbon footprint — I’m talking of Thoreau levels — they aren’t significantly better than the driver of one of these beasts. Plus, with Hummer dying a deserving death, it’s almost kitsch to drive one!)
- Not saying Mahmoud Ahmadinejad correctly (I’m all for watching the news and being aware, but some names are just hard. Besides, I challenge anyone from Iran to say Billerica or Gloucester correctly.)
- Underage smoking (Thought: If they want to live hard and die young, let ’em die. There, I said it.)
- Mustaches (What, this isn’t a crime? Okay, sorry, it probably should be.)
Non-Crimes Deserving Criminalization
- Watching bad TV. Every time you indulge in a guilty pleasure, studios are inspired to keep making awful shows. Try to explore a real guilty pleasure, like eating 50 eggs or masturbating to Redbook)
- Using the term “retard.” You should die. You suck shit. You’re horrible and loathsome.
- Saying “often” with a hard T. Seriously, that deserves some time.
- Complaining about the government but not voting. Gross.
- Not staying by your sports team when they suck.
- Liking The Doors.
- Sex with first cousins (Yes, not a crime in many U.S. states. If your sex partner has a mom or dad who grew up in the same house with your mom or dad, you need to pull out, take a long shower, and find a hobby that is chromosomally nicer.)