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EmmyEm: Crime Reporter


It’s Sunday.  I’ve just showed up to the bar, and friends are introducing me to new friends.  I pull out my laptop, but before I can type the words “small crimes” at the top of a document, the cops show up.  We ask them about the crime & they respond with some legal b.s. to get around telling us why they’re here.  Jerks.  We order drinks.  Who cares about crime when you’re staring at a melting Margarita?

The previous afternoon, Lisa & I had discussed the “broken window” theory–the idea that the morale of a community declines when there are broken windows in the area.  This could be because people are less inclined to care or that criminal activity seems like a better idea in these “broken down” neighborhoods.  I bring up the theory with my drinking cohorts.  “How might our own personal crimes elevate, if we let them?” I ask.  We’ve all performed our own small crimes that–thankfully–haven’t really affected anyone else, unlike the communities in the study.  “And Don’t lie & say you haven’t, cuz you know you have,”  I say.  “Sure, we take out our trash & are “good” citizens but, here & there, we’ve indulged in mischief.”

“What about your small crimes?” I ask both new & seasoned friends. “What have you done, for whatever reason (usually fun), that didn’t hurt anyone so much, but still wasn’t quite right?”

>The Naming of Crimes

the sad story (Didi) Stole candied bananas because they didn’t have any food at 8 years old.

typical (Kristin) Public intox & threw up the entire way to the station but avoided any jail time because of a friend who knew the arresting officer.

so unbelievable it has to be quoted directly (Jorge) “So. I’m at Charlie’s Kitchen on a busy night, in the bathroom line, and the next person was this absolutely adorable Brittish kid saying that he can’t wait to use the facilities and asked to jump ahead.  The door openedto the restroom and we both moved into the restroom at the same time. We didn’t finish the session, but used our hands in various ways.  So, yeah.  We were at a bar & the Brit was under 21.   So that’s the crime.  But sexual behaviors in a bar are never considered crimes….they’re fun.”


yours truly (Emmy) Made a blowjob face in plain daylight on a Sunday, among other things.  {Please read past posts & you’ll get the idea.  No need to rehash.}

the crime that wasn’t (Lisa) Smoked weed.  “Why is smoking weed a crime?” she asks.  To which none of us have an answer.


We continue to sit at the bar, wearing sunglasses (largest crime of the day?), drinking too much beer for a Sunday afternoon, not caring.

Except Jorge.  He’s outside doing a backflip off of something.  The thought of how not-badass we are makes us laugh, like it’s our job to laugh.  And it is, until tomorrow.

re·al·i·ty [ree-al-i-tee] –noun

1. the state or quality of being real.
2. resemblance to what is real.
3. a real thing or fact.
4. waking up tomorrow and realizing we’re not really criminals.  we’re really people.  with jobs.  or at least pretend jobs, like grad school.

While we’ve all partaken in small crimes, and we’re (maybe) all broken in some way, unlike the theory, our crimes aren’t elevating.  Although…one of our partners in small crime, Jorge, hasn’t yet returned from his backflip field trip.  So, who knows? A “big” crime may be in progress.

One response to “EmmyEm: Crime Reporter”

  1. Avatar llxt says:

    i miss those "small crime" days of sitting at a bar on sunday afternoon drinking, especially on a day like today…

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December 2010
November 2010
On My Honor
October 2010
Witch Hunt
September 2010
If, Then.
May 2010
Small Crimes
April 2010
February 2010
"It's Complicated"
January 2010