Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Serial Killers.

Lately, I’ve become fascinated with serial killers. This is, of course, due to my addiction to Criminal Minds and when I say fascinated, I really mean obsessed. Even though I don’t remember my dreams, I know these criminals, and the team that pursues them, feature heavily.  I also know that has nothing to do with my habit of watching at least three episodes before going to be every night.

{Smart People are HOT}

Anyway, these profilers are not just nerdy-in-the-hot-kind-of-way; they’re efficacious.  I’m especially impressed during the times they profile strangers on the spot.  Now there’s a skill I could make good use of.

Profiler: “Excuse me. I ordered an espresso, not a chai vanilla frappuccino.”
Barista: “Oh, sorry.”
Profiler: “Actually, no you’re not. Right now, instead of looking me in the eyes, you’re looking at the middle button on my suit jacket…it’s the same type of button that looked you in the eye whenever your father ignored you as a child. You’re not sorry at all. You hate me. And you want to ruin my day by giving me a drink that doesn’t actually contain coffee.”

The people that fascinate me the most, though, are the “loved ones” of the serial killers. The BAU (fictional for the real FBI department that deals with serial killers) would have us think that some families won’t be surprised to find out their husband/son/father/uncle joe is a serial killer, but that others–most of them, in fact–will.  I’m sorry. I’m just not buying it.

I have a dating theory that goes something like, You knew he was an asshole the first night you met him. So don’t be surprised that he’s being an asshole now. And I imagine having a serial killer for a son would work much the same way. Most toddlers are rambunctious; yours used to kill small bunnies, mummify them, and then bury them in a location convenient enough to visit over and over, like–say–your back yard. Most kids go through “loner” or “rebellious” phases; yours frequently disappeared for days at a time and returned home soaked in blood, dragging a trash bag of limbs that he stashed in the locked shed out back. Most children, when they grow up, realize that they are so much like their parents, it hurts–especially when they become parents themselves. Yours brought home women who were unlikely prospects for marriage, let alone procreation, given they were dead.  But let’s face it; you aren’t really that upset about your husband’s lineage expiring–the husband you haven’t seen since he was hauled off to Death Row for slaughtering 55 women in a 2-year period.

As a young mother, I’m emotionally wrecked by the end of an episode that features a child killer, especially since it always comes back on the Mother. There are enough pressures on the modern mom (i.e. “Is my 2-year-old mature enough for his first cell phone?”; “If my child’s *not* gay or on Ritalin, can he still be popular?”; “How do I know if my kindergartner’s ready to be sexually active?) that there isn’t really time left over to worry about whether or not what you’re doing at any given moment could turn him into the next Ted Bundy.

{the face only a mother could love...}

We need rules.

Of course, no child is the same, blah blah blah, psychobabble, forced downplay of your child’s deficiencies, etc. etc. But there has to be some way to ensure little Tommy’s not going to live his life killing innocent women who bear the slightest resemblance to his mother.

Ways to Ensure Little Tommy doesn’t Live his Life Killing Innocent Women Who Bear the Slightest Resemblance to You

1. Have a girl. No, really. There are very few female serial killers. Occasionally, they get roped in to something with their bad-boy lover, but most serial killers aren’t really capable of sharing the spotlight. So, this is definitely the best way to avoid becoming mom of America’s {next} Most Wanted. Unfortunately, it’s also the most challenging.

2. Since you have little control over your child’s sex, go for the next best thing: their sexual persuasion. 86% of serial killers are heterosexual*. (Was I the only person expecting that percentage to be a little higher? …like, closer to 110%??) Now, I can’t tell you the best way to make Tommy gay, but I can offer some advice. Pink is power; you can never have too much. Matchbox cars are okay as long as you’re playing “house” with them. And, once he starts talking, encourage the use of the pronoun “her,” especially when referring to one’s self.

3. Don’t die. Boys, especially, tend to take the deaths of their mothers a little too seriously, if you ask me. It’s not as though every woman’s death is yet another obstacle to the perpetuation of maleness–though you wouldn’t know this from the orphaned sourpusses of the world. Note that I didn’t say “Don’t die when he’s young;” Age isn’t relevant. If they’re still living in your basement when you’re 83, and you die, they’re going to feel abandoned.

4. While we’re on the subject, don’t let them live in your basement until you’re 83. Actually, do yourself a favor, and buy a house without a Basement. Also included in the “possible spaces for future serial killers to perfect their art” would be a Shed, Garage, Barn, Attic, Well, or any amount of Acreage that would make your neighbors jealous. If this sounds extreme, ask yourself which is more important: Wood working? or having a son that doesn’t slay women before bringing them home?

5. In general, stay away from nature. Don’t buy a property that abuts the state park, don’t enroll your kid in anything that will teach him survival skills in extreme situations, and definitely don’t take your son to the same obscure campground every year for “family bonding.” Serial killers prefer isolated places where they know more about the landscape then the average person since it allows for their need to “revisit” the bodies without getting caught.

#’s 6 – 1501. Don’t have sex with your son. I assume this is self-explanatory, not to mention Completely Obvious if you know anything about serial killers and/or the Oedipus Complex. But it’s worth mentioning again. And again. And again. Ad nauseum. Write it on your palm if you have to. You can also tack on to the end of this something like, “Don’t prohibit your son from enjoying relationships with women other than yourself, which would include saying things like ‘If you’re going to wear THAT, you might as well not date at all.’ and ‘Do you really think she’s going to take as good of care of you as I have?’.”

1502. Tell your son he’s black and not an American. Joined together, this will decrease the likelihood of Tommy’s future as a serial killer by about 217%.

1503. There are people who will disagree with me on this, but I think terminating breastfeeding by the time the sissy turns twelve is probably a measure of good conscience. It will also alleviate those “other” influences on serial killers’ lives, namely the playground bully, who–in this day and age of social networking–is NOT the person you want finding out you still breastfeed at the age of 13.

1504. Don’t ignore him, especially when his ant-stomping pastime “escalates” to kidnapping neighborhood cats. In all of your efforts to “let him be himself,” remember that there is a limit. Neighborhood cats? Definitely the limit. As are window-peeping and leaving the house every night around 11:30 PM wearing a dark hoodie and red lipstick. Actually, by then, it might be too late. Kick him to the curb and change your locks. You don’t want to be an accessory (or collateral damage) when the BAU comes a’callin.

{image taken from artzthings.com}

It goes without saying that the easiest way to avoid having a son who’s a serial killer is to avoid having a son at all, especially if you have doubts about any of the above. (Similar to preventive healthcare, your survival is only guaranteed by an ability to navigate the system and/or a huge wad of cash.) Those of us who have sons anywhere between that crucial 18.6 week mark and the age of 70, though, must continue to fight serial-killerism the hard way: by being healthy moms who have healthy kids, whatever the cost.

*All statistics are actual, assuming this site is credible.

Filed under: "It's Complicated", Monthly Featured by llxtm
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