One Wrecked-Um to rule them all…
Is it honorable to gloat? Even just a little bit?
On a site full of people with far more talent, edumacation, experience, heart, soul and style than myself, I somehow managed to write the most viewed post in the history of the site.
Go ahead…Click it again. No, please…Click it again. It feels sooooo good when you click it again…
OK, “in the history of” might be a strong phrase, being the site is barely a year and change old. Though that post marks my first year on 30POV.com. I came in a few months late and, having no experience or resume to speak of, had to sell myself to our editor…I remember drunkenly typing “I think I can bring a special brand of ‘fuck you’ to your site.” And she bought it. Hook, line and drinker.
So, as of me writing this, “In the Interest of Full Disclosure”, a post about my experiences as a toy collector in general and as a GI Joe collector specifically, has 3,633 views, 71 comments, and has shot to the top of almost all of the ratings for the site. This was possible thanks in no small part to what I like to call, “Friends in Joe places“. But, most importantly, I can finally say I beat 30POV super-poster celebrity Mr. Poopoopachu. Granted, it was in a month where he didn’t post…But still, this time, I win, Poop. Come back soon. We miss you. I miss you…I could use a cup of coffee and a back rub. Or a foot rub. Or, uhh…Y’know. Something else rubbed.
But enough of this living in the past. Surely, from now on, we can refer to the site as WreckedUmPOV.com, and all posts will be co-written by me, with me providing HILARIOUS running commentary along whatever that day’s author writes, unless I dislike what they write, which will result in me rewriting whatever they wrote. Also, now that I’ve peaked, I can deliver half-assed, phoned-in performances with little to no real value to anyone reading it, and do so with attitude and a shameless sense of self importance. Not that I haven’t been doing that most months, anyway.
But enough of all that. Consider this another bait and switch month, because that super sweet title up there really has nothing to do with this month’s theme, “On My Honor”. To be honest, this might be the first month that I can say…I got nothing. Most months, even with some of the most pigeonholingly vague themes, I can come up with some story or idea that I can twist one way or another to…Fit…The theme, but this idea of honor, especially my own, feels a bit beyond me.
That probably isn’t a surprise, though. The guy that writes about shipping his pubic hair to a friend, pushing his pregnant wife down the stairs, urinating in a coworkers toolbox, and masturbating to internet pornography, (not to mention spending the first 355 words of this post patting himself on the nuts) doesn’t fully understand the concept of honor. It is one of those vague, but not so vague terms that while I comprehend the definition, I don’t really use, certainly not self referentially.
Surely the rest of the cast here will have many stories of fallen heroes, relatives beyond infallible, or men of faith that while they may not have touched their bodies inappropriately, did touch their hearts and change their lives. Stories of people living with great hardship, persevering in the least of circumstances, or overcoming some handicap to accomplish greatness against all odds.
But me…I got nothing. Seriously, the first thing I thought of were Klingons. They were always talking about honor or having no honor, and then fighting about it. It kind of seems like honor is like religion in that way, just one more thing for people to kill each other over.
So I looked it up. I figure I’ll take it slow and see what I find.
I do understand the act of “honoring” someone. Someone you respect, or someone who did something not for themselves, but for others. Or, honoring those that have passed away. Standing in front of a group of mourning friends and relatives, and saying, “This dead guy didn’t totally suck.” Though, while I get that, I find it to be a bit disingenuous, because I have no doubt there were lots of dead people that sucked, for whom no one had the balls to stand up at their funeral and assert the dead person’s true suckitude.
Beyond the sucking dead, there are many others to honor. For example, the men and women who serve in the armed forces. They deserve our honor and respect, for doing a job that I certainly wouldn’t have the guts to do. Don’t get me wrong, if the King of England came pounding on my door looking for taxes, I’d hit him with a bat. But to put your life on the line to defend your country, it’s ideals, your government, and your fellow Americans, well, you are all more of a man than I will ever be.
The Ten Commandments tell us to honor our Father and Mother. I am gonna call half-bullshit on this one. Not because I don’t feel our parents deserve to be honored, but I think most of us don’t give them the honor they deserve until we’re well into our own adulthood, and we realize just what a fucking pain in the ass it is to work, live and provide for a family. As a kid, I didn’t give it a thought, and as a teen, I didn’t give a shit. It wasn’t until I was out on my own, paying my own bills, dealing with my own random bullshit, that I realized just what my mother had to endure as a single parent of two kids.
Then there is the tangible honor, the award for something done or achieved. I think we all get that. Little league trophies, scholastic diplomas, certificates, awards, maybe even medals. I haven’t achieved much in my life, but the few times I have received any sort of award still stand out in my mind.
In summer camp, when I was 7, I got the trophy for fourth best artist of the camp. It fell apart in storage, I found it last year.
In High School, I got the Medal for art, I still have that…Somewhere.
Also, there is my High School Diploma, currently on my mantle, I shit you not. The only thing I’ve ever earned, and I had to go to summer school senior year to get it.
In 2001, I took third place in a free fighting martial arts tournament. That trophy was like four and a half feet tall, but I hide it in a closet so I don’t remind myself just how fat and out of shape I have gotten since I won it.
Finally, in 1997 and again in 2007, I won first place in contests for customizing at toy conventions.
None of them are high honors, but I remember every one, and how I felt receiving each. I felt honored.
Another definition, and possibly the most important because it relates more directly with this month’s theme, is “ A code of integrity, dignity, and pride…”. I have heard the term “honor code” before, from friends in the military, kid’s in private school, or others who adhere to some set of rules meant to advance an individual’s conduct to a higher standard, set by some archaic sense of superiority or high-minded societal minority. “Integrity”, “Morality”, “Ethics”, “Honesty”, “Uprightness of Character”, “Dignity”, “Conduct”, “Respect”, “Pride” and about a half dozen other terms can be mad-libbed together to form some sort of definition. But the most revealing, easy to understand definition I found was “How you act when no one’s looking”. (Oh man, is masturbation honorable?)
Ah-HA!!!! That is the distinction. The difference between someone talkin’ a bunch a bullshit, or livin’ it. THAT I can get behind.
But just as the term “Honor Code” or “code of Honor” smacks of smugness and the aforementioned sense of superiority, that simpler definition is far easier for me to swallow, and apply to myself, perhaps to find my own “code”. “My” own “honor” I can be “on”.
It would seem one of the core values here would be honesty. I try my best to be honest, frequently to a fault, and I detest lying. And not entirely due to some sense that lying is wrong, though I believe it is. Certainly, there are a million reasons to lie. You could be covering up something shameful, perhaps a mistake, or an embarrassment. You can lie to make yourself feel better, to make yourself look better to others, to coworkers or employers, or to get laid. You can lie for financial gain, to mislead someone, there are literally so many reasons you could lie that I could take forever babbling them all out. It is just so much fucking work, to remember one lie, cover it up with another when needed, then lie about that. And to what end? When you get caught in a lie, you look like a douchebag. And lying to impress, or for personal gain? Fuck that. If I don’t impress you just being me, then you can suck it. Tell me where to ship my pubes.
Does that mean I never lie? No, but I am far more apt to just tell the truth with a smirk and say “Oops, my bad.” Though, I do have a tendency to bullshit, and I am pretty good at it, honestly. But I see bullshitting as more of a humor thing, I do it expecting the bullshittee to figure out, eventually, that I am bullshitting them, and I’ll laugh, and they’ll get mad and yell, and I’ll live to bullshit another day.
So, there is one tenet of my new found code. #1 Just tell the truth, because lying is too much work.
Under honesty, I think we can add stealing and cheating. Both are things I have done when I was younger but would never do today. Perhaps that is a measure of honor, maturity? Not age, seeing as there are prisons full of disreputable individuals well into adulthood, but a more mature person would be more likely to treat others with honesty, respect and dignity. There are things I did as a kid I would never dream of doing today, because I am older, more mature, and don’t want to go to jail. But then, not doing something out of fear for the consequences probably derails the idea of being honorable. I should not do it, because it is wrong.
I try to keep my word when given, but as a rule, I try to never give my word. It can be a lot of work to live up to a promise or a pledge. I prefer to under promise and over deliver. When people expect less from you, they are pleasantly surprised when you come through. And if you don’t come through, well, you haven’t lost anything. So, another tenet in my code, #2 Aim Low.
And respect? Sigh, guilty. Even the people I have respect for, I rarely show it beyond some veiled insult or snide comment. And to those I don’t respect? I have actually drawn pictures of recently deceased people I didn’t like and shown them to others that knew them. To be truly respectful, I really should just shut the fuck up.
Hey! There’s #3. Shut the fuck up.
Honesty, integrity, respect…I think conduct sums up most of the remaining ideals. Sure, it is all tied together, but I’m running long here, so I am already breaking #3. As for conduct, well, I am sorely lacking here. I love mean pranks, drawing unflattering pics of people and showing them, making fun of people who deserve it…I truly enjoy just being an asshole, even though it has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I mean, shit, I talk about it all the time. Being an asshole is the bread and butter of the Incapable Wrecked-Um. Intrinsic to my being. I’ve worked hard to elevate my asshole status to an entirely new level of asshole, an asshole elite, a super asshole, one might even say a flaming asshole. When people say I’m going to hell, I say, “No, I’m working my way up Hell’s political ladder. I think I’ve made it to ‘Mayor of a small town in Hell’ at this point.” I can’t be expected to give that up, can I? Well, I can try. But I can also fail pretty easily, too.
So, on the Incapable Wrecked-Um’s Code of Honor, we have:
#1-Don’t lie, it is too much work.
#3-Shut the fuck up.
#4-Try not to be an asshole (but don’t try too hard).
On my honor, I pledge to uphold this code with all my Wrecked-Um. Or not, I get bored easily.