Tuesdays at 8 PM (7 PM Central)
It’s shortly after 8:00 PM on a Tuesday. America’s favorite detective™, Charles Dubinsky, once again finds himself standing over a crime scene, chewing on the already mangled end of his pen. We know that Dubinsky chews on his pen because he’s badly in need of a cigar, but he’ll never be able to light up. There are FCC regulations, of course. The body at his feet has been beaten to death with a silver candlestick; the murder weapon sits in a bloody pool on the floor. Dubinsky pulls out a notebook from his jacket pocket, flips it open, and begins scratching frantically with his slobbered-upon pen. We cannot see what he is writing.
“This is journalist Archibald Q. Worthington, famous for his series of articles linking South American drug cartels to crooked American politicians,” says Dubinsky, because he is compelled to say certain things out loud for everyone to hear.
“Hey, what’re you writing?” says Detective Luther Phillpot. We all know how stupid Phillpot is to be asking this question, and we laugh at him. Dubinsky is writing a poem. It’s his “thing.”
“Police work, Phillpot,” he replies, tapping his temple his pen. This is not the first time that Dubinsky has realized too late that the end of the pen is still wet with saliva. He wipes at his face with his sleeve. “You have to observe. Use your logic and reason.”
“I gotcha,” said Phillpot, not appearing to pay much attention. Phillpot never pays attention. Instead, he tilts his police cap back on his head, squats gingerly with his hands on his knees, and leans his face close to the deceased. Phillpot is overweight. This is funny, especially if he has to run after a criminal. Hopefully we get to see that during this episode. “What a pity, eh? Senseless crime.”
Dubinsky finishes what he is writing and closes the notebook. “That’s our job, Phillpot. We make sense of the senseless. Now let me ask you a question. What do you think the motive is here? Who stood to gain the most from the death of Archibald Q. Worthington?”
“Waxing poetic again?” It is the police chief, just walking through the door into the study. This is not the first time we’ve heard this joke. It is the chief’s favorite.
“So funny I forgot to laugh,” replies Dubinsky. He is the only one. The rest of us are laughing along with the police chief!
“Well, Mr. Poet Detective,” laughs the chief. “How is your poetry going to help you solve this crime?”
“I’m a detective poet, not a poet detective,” Dubinsky corrects. “There’s a difference.”
“Why do you write poems?” Phillpot asks.
“How many times do I have to say this?” asks Dubinsky. Of course, he has to explain this every Tuesday at 8 PM (7 PM Central). “Writing poems helps me get into the mind of the killer. It’s how I understand why the murderer did what he did.”
“You’re a regular Bill Shakespeare!” says the chief.
“Wherefore art thou, o’ murderer!” says Phillpot. He gets a high-five from the chief. Dubinsky rolls his eyes. We like Dubinsky. Hopefully he gets the last laugh again this week.
“I hear there’s a dead body around here somewhere,” breathes a sexy female voice from off-screen. It’s Virginia Miller. She sashays into the room in outrageous Christian Louboutin heels. Everything about her is packed tightly, from her clothes to her body to her tied-up hair. She has red hair—look out! A funky bass line is now playing.
“Oh, great,” says Dubinsky. “It’s forensics.” Dubinsky pretends that he’s not attracted sexually to Virginia Miller, as though she’s not the sexiest forensic scientist ever created by God. But we know he is secretly in love with her. He admitted it in last season’s must-watch finale. Will they ever get together? Virginia pulls on a surgical glove, shakes a test tube in the air, and bends over the body.
“Yes, Dooby. I’m here to do my job. Ever heard of a little thing called DNA evidence? It’s how crimes are solved these days.” She likes to call Dubinsky “Dooby.” It’s light-hearted banter. Virginia also inexplicably desires a romantic encounter with her colleague. We’re all rooting for this to happen, and we have been since she dramatically joined the cast at the beginning of last season. We don’t care about compatibility. They belong together!
“Hey, Viriginia,” says the chief. “I’d let you ‘do your job,’ har-har.”
“Your sexist comments don’t upset me,” replies Virginia. “I can wear sexy clothes and still do my science. Don’t be such a pig.” Her sassy reply has two meanings (pig and pig, get it?), and it negates the chief’s insensitive comment, making things “all right” again. Her hand is on her hip, and her hip is popped out to the side.
“Let’s not forget about our job,” says Dubinsky. “There is a dead journalist in the middle of this floor and I’m trying to figure out why. As we know, Archibald Q. Worthington wrote several exposes on the connections between the drug cartels and U.S. politicians. I must find out why he was killed.”
“Maybe your poem will help,” says Phillpot.
“Yes, let’s hear the poem,” sighs Virginia, tossing her hair around. “We have another minute before the commercial break anyway.”
“OK, then. I’ll read the poem.”
The music changes abruptly. It’s Dubinsky’s poem-reading theme song. Let’s not forget the most important thing going on here: the search for justice! We want, we need to see the killer apprehended and put in jail. We demand justice! USA, USA! Will Dubinsky’s poem help him penetrate into the mind of the killer one more time? He removes the notebook from his jacket pocket and clears his throat. He is about to read. The suspense is almost unbearable. Then he reads:
I am a killer. Why? Why?
My drugs, Americans will buy, buy
The Senator likes to get high, high
For this, the journalist will die, die
“Brilliant,” says Phillpot. “How do you do it?”
“He’s a poet detective,” says the chief.
“No,” pants Virginia. “A detective poet.”
“Now all we need,” says Dubinsky, ” is a suspect.”
With a cymbal crash, there is a cut to commercial. This break gives us plenty of time to use the bathroom and make a fresh batch of popcorn before we settle back in to watch the exciting conclusion of our story. We already know from the previews that the bad guy is played this week by a special guest star (and one of our favorite actors ever) Christian Slater! Thank you, network television. Thank you.