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Jail Cells Build Character

Once we age beyond our twenties our development simply progresses as much as we can hope. Thus, the nature of our mischief might need to change.

Some mature trouble making ideas:
1. Wear that disgusting tee-shirt to school parent-teacher conference (you know, the one listing 50 ways to use “fuck” in a sentence).
2. At the next boring-ass office/cocktail party you have to attend, tell total bullshit lies about your life (“You like my shirt? I picked it up one summer backpacking around Uzbekistan.”).
3. Tell people you and your mate swing, then act incensed when the creep admits the same.
4. Wear shorts which allow a nut to dangle. Just one. Both would be disgusting, not funny.
5. The next time you feel like giving another driver the bird, DON’T. Just point and laugh OR waggle your tongue between your fingers.
6. Use obscure words to obfuscate your meaning and confuse listeners. Hell, just make words up. Note how few people will ask for clarification (they aren’t listening).
7. When confronted with grocery store beggars, ask them for spare change (“I realize you are selling plastic jewelry to support the Uzbek people, but I’m short the 12 bucks for a pack of cigarettes.”).
8. Fart in public. Loudly.
9. EMBRACE AWKWARD. Awkward is funny. Hell, just look at the spelling.
10. DON’T do number 4 at the playground, reserve that one for Tupperware events or door to door marketing.

To recap: The making of mischief changes as you get older.  We must transition from garden variety vandalism to social terrorism.

Good luck out there.

8 responses to “Jail Cells Build Character”

  1. emmyem7 emmyem7 says:

    Pretty sure I have #8 down pat.

  2. I’m so glad that I read this; thanks, Chrispy. It has me completely rethinking my approach.

  3. Avatar lee lee says:

    Good point about #9. But how do you embrace something that’s so…AWKWARD.

  4. Avatar lee lee says:

    RE: #4. I can count 2 times in my life when I’ve seen someone’s balls and wasn’t supposed to. I’m still traumatized by both encounters. Please, for the love of God, do not let your nut hang out…whatever you do!!!!!!!!!

    • Jason Jason says:

      I must provide counterpoint here. As someone who once accidentally exposed a ball to an unsuspecting track runner, I can attest that those shorts are difficult to manage. Plus, my junior high school gym teacher always wore small athletic shorts and led the class in the butterfly stretch, so I’m more a victim than any person who has to see the turkey eyeball. [sound of sobbing]

      • Is it odd that I know a guy with one ball, another with three balls, as well as a buddy with no (actual) balls, but testicular implants? Oh, and for good measure, I know another guy whose ballsack hangs half way down his thigh; yes, beyond the length of his penis. [I’m sad for him.]

  5. Avatar lee lee says:

    also…what does snooty have to say about this post???

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Chris About Chris

*Chris Severance makes his living selling inherited assets. He fits a classic ADHD, INTP, dually diagnosed, narcissist profile. His wife and two children will be fortunate to escape unscathed. He has dabbled in and seriously considered the following for vocation, avocation, obsession or hobby: landscaping, herb farming, filmmaking, fishing, inventing, drinking, growing dope, private investigation, philosophy, teaching, day trading, forex trading, skiing, snowboarding, rabbit farming, earthworm farming, dirt farming, commercial composting, ocean kayaking, surfing, computer technician, geocaching, fitness training, marathons, general crime, triathlons, novel writing, screenwriting, home improvement, mechanical arts, welding, modeling, garbology, sailing, windsurfing, acting, being a kept man, scuba diving, vegetable gardening, craft services, catering, Tibetan Buddhism, meth, motivational speaking (picture Matt Foley living in a van down by the river), winning Powerball, recovery, blogging, research, law school, yoga, pilates and running for office. He retired from growing cranberries at age 32 when he was passed over for the big promotion for lack of a college degree. Chris now attends university full time and appreciates the character building associated with jail cell confinement. He can look the part but acting is out. No feelings were harmed in the making of this bio.

Read more by this author on 30POV .


December 2009
Season Finale
November 2009
{Seven Deadly} Sins
October 2009
Mischief Making
September 2009
Green Ethics
August 2009