« »

Best of 30POV: Tick-Stop

“Best Deconstruction of Gender Norms”

For those of you who expect childless thirty-somethings to be in the “Sure, I want to have kids some day” boat, I offer up: Bestie #21.

Tick-Stop, a.k.a. I Broke My Biological Clock Writing This*

Although I have not a bit of “scientific evidence” to back up the following claim, I am going to make it anyway.

There comes a point in EVERY young woman’s life: (READ: young woman: ages 25-29), in which she makes a decision. One which she is so adamant about, that no amount of coercion, bargaining, or begging can change. The decision to become a mother.

Now let me clarify, this is not the “oh shit I am not sick from the clams and tequila last night! There is actually something growing inside me” moment.  No, no my friends, this is the time when those cute, cuddly, poop machines start popping up more than Heidi Fleiss’s latest herpes outbreak.

You literally role out of bed and EVERYONE (including the neighbor’s dog) is breeding! You question the water. “Is something literally in the water? Should I switch to straight scotch in the morning?”

It is easy to resist at first. Let’s face it, your friends have not looked this tired and mentally unstable since freshman year of college, when the only thing of nutritional value any of you were consuming was orange juice.  (And for the record orange juice does not increase your high).

After a few months of seeing the breeders tote their little “mini-me’s” around, you begin to wonder,“Should I be allowing a little creature to suck the life out of me as well?”

You suddenly realize that in your eyes, pregnant women are no longer, bloated, complaining, puke machines; they have morphed into beautiful, sexy, humans with super powers.  And you start to wonder,“Why don’t you have super power?”

The months go on, and the fantasy remains. You have even picked out names for your yet to be conceived, unborn, bank account sucking, spawn.  Then that special day arrives. YOU ARE LATE.

You realize that the menstrual party is one party you ALWAYS like to be on time for.  The panic sets in. Then the pleading and the bargaining with whatever higher power controls your uterus. MAKE ME BLEED DAMNIT.

After a week of traumatic thoughts in which you decide in fact you would be an AWFUL parent, based solely on the fact that you have $17.00 in your bank account and you’d rather spend it at the bar then on diapers. Aunt Flow arrives.

After you celebrate with a massive shot of tequila, you realize, that you were just kidding with all those fantasies, and like AA, babies are for quitters.


*”Tick-Stop.” Orig. Pub. Date: 1/21/2010. Vol I, Issue 5 ~ Awakenings ~ 30POV.com; All rights belong to the original author.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

« »
RSS | Contact | Contribute | Login
rosie About rosie

*Rosie Frompser is a b!tch. Deal with it.

Read more by this author on 30POV .


2011 Best Of

May 2011
Best of 30POV: In the interest of full disclosure…
Best of 30POV: The Inner Lives of Young Afghan Women
Best of 30POV: Poems About Boys
Best of 30POV: Tiger Woods is Guilty, but So are You
Best of 30POV: The Seven Crudely Drawn Sins of Thanksgiving
Best of 30POV: It's NOT so gay
Best of 30POV: Reality Resume
Best of 30POV: Open Love Letter to My Daughter
Best of 30POV: The Trillion Dollar Con Game, or I'll See You in Hell, Mr. Banker
Best of 30POV: Up to No Good: Greatest Hits, Vol. 1
Best of 30POV: Tick-Stop
Best of 30POV: Genoa Delinquency…
Best of 30POV: Messages from the Dark
Best of 30POV: To emerge. To spread my wings to the sun. To fly.
Best of 30POV: Thinking Green gives me the Blues
Best of 30POV: Lady of the Lake
Best of 30POV: Man on the Mountain
Best of 30POV: Boys Will Be Boys
Best of 30POV: In Your Own Little World
Best of 30POV: So Far Around the Bend
Best of 30POV: My Son, the Jihadist
Best of 30POV: of significance to no one but me
Best of 30POV: “McSorley’s Old Ale House – Women Not Welcome”
Best of 30POV: The Chemist
Best of 30POV: Six Seasons with Reasons Why One Ain't So Bad a Number to Do
Best of 30POV: I'm Strictly a Female Female
Best of 30POV: Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Serial Killers
Best Of 30POV: Quantum Bananas & Cherry Pi
Best of 30POV: Listen.
Best Of 30POV: The Honorable Ken Cosgrove
Best Of 30POV: Sara With No H


October 2011
Kiss & Tell
July 2011
May 2011
2011 Best Of