Fear And Loathing In Salt Lake City or How I Learned To Worry And Fear The Mormons
Imagine, if you will, waking up in the morning, getting in your four-cylinder rental Subaru Outback, the World’s SECOND sport utility wagon (lest we forget the tank of a vehicle that in 1980 AMC first produced called the Eagle) and flipping through the radio stations, looking for Howard Stern, yet only finding countless stations with the voice of a middle age white male proclaiming the glory of their Lord Jesus! Imagine the look in your eyes! Imagine, if you will, turning on KSL, the local NBC affiliate at 11:30 on a Saturday night merely wanting to watch some comedy, only to find out that SNL is NOT carried by NBC in this land because KSL is owned by Boneville International who is owned by the Mormon Church who find SNL’s material too offensive to be broadcast on their station.
I BID YOU WELCOME TO
SALT LAKE CITY,
UNTITED STATES OF AMERICA,
LAND OF THE HOLY, HOME OF THE REPRESSED!!!
Yes, this foul land is where my career has taken me, for my sins, for my transgressions, to live among such people, on their hallowed turf, for what feels like an eternity. A unwelcome pagan in a holy land. Stepping off the plane, the first thing that bites me is the bitter cold, the wind that tears your soul apart and chills you to the bone. Then, leaving the airport, one is thrust upon the most dangerous thing I have encountered thus far in my short life. More dangerous than riding a motorcycle at 105MPH, more dangerous than diving off cliffs on the isle of Capri. Much more dangerous than 48 hours of abusing as many substances as one can possible consume in such a time period. More dangerous than a trip to 7th and Pike. Even more dangerous than telling a psychotic woman you cheated on her. What, you may ask, can compare to such things, and instill such terror in someone who has experienced and survived so much. MORMON DRIVERS! I never thought I would find a collection of drivers that makes New Jersey drivers look good. “What??” you may be saying to yourself, our friend has surely gone mad, there is no such thing as a driver worse than those from the Garden State!!! I hang my head in shame, and it is with a heavy heart that I tell you what I say is the truth. May the Fates thrust me upon I-95 with an entire convoy of Jersey soccer moms on their cell phones in their blue Chevy Venture Warner Brother’s Edition Minivans complete with DVD player to pacify the kids rather than make me drive another minute on the roads with these drivers that make a blind midget in a tractor trailer on Broad Street in traffic driving backwards at 120MPH look safe.
If this isn’t enough to instill a proper fear and loathing for this town in you, allow me to tell you more. While innocently walking around the Barnes & Noble looking for another Hunter S. Thompson book to purchase, I find an ENTIRE SECTION of books on Latter Day Saints, and many people browsing the myriad of titles there within. I was trembling as I went to the counter with my find, thinking that at any moment these chosen people of the Lord will see my book and descend upon me like the Old Testament plagues of Egypt and burn me at the nearest stake. Somehow, my luck held, and I was able to escape the bookstore unharmed, though my mental health has still yet to recover.
Now, moving right along as your Salt Lake City tour guide, you will see here, the Mormon Tabernacle, and the Temple. These are at the center of the city. All streets are numbered from this origin. For instance, my apartment is at 3600 South, 2200 West, thus I how exactly how far I am from the Temple at any given point in the city. Speaking of my apartment, I come home one day from a short 12 hour workday and find something hanging on my doorknob. And what to my surprise should it be than a green pamphlet (more like a book) on the Mormon religion! Naturally, holding salvation on the pages within, I promptly rushed to the post office and mailed this handbook for devout living to a friend back home, who in the clutches of the decadent Schuylkill County will surely embrace the words and spirit of this God-send of a message and, after changing his evil ways and trading in his Harley Davidson for a degree in Mormon Theology, will find an eternal paradise in the afterlife.
Now, let me tell you a little bit about the young women here in Salt Lake City. Quite surprisingly, many of them are rather attractive. However, upon getting to know them, one will recoil in horror at how a lifetime of living in such a culture can warp their minds and damn them to a life of such repression; George Orwell would be impressed with the power of brainwashing evident in this land. The normal cry “Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll” has been replaced with “Chastity, Green Jello, & Prayer” (please note that Utah has the highest consumption of green Jello in the world, not that I have a problem with Jello, but personally I would rather see naked women wrestling in it than dessert on a table with Mom & Dad & Buddy & Sis with a huge Mormon Jesus staring at me from a painting in the dining room). These young women wear white cotton underwear everyday, the kind one might find in their grandmother’s drawer. They participate in none of the normal drunken/drug induced nights of fornication that one would expect of women of their age. Rather, they lay their long skirts and conservative blouses out on Saturday night to be ready for services the next morning. I believe it would just as impossible to get a mere handjob from one of these girls as it would be to score a bag of schwag grass in this town. And since there is no promise of sex, or drugs, one might as well go to the bar.
Please understand, the liquor laws in this state make the laws that Hitler had against the Jews look mild. First, alcohol is served in either restaurants or private clubs. In the clubs, you either need to buy a membership or have an existing member “sponsor” you. Now, if this isn’t strange enough, all the beer here is only 3.2%. I am not one for beer, so I go up to the bar and order a Sapphire and Tonic, my usual drink. The bartender takes the beautiful blue bottle, puts an odd ring around the spout, and pours my drink. I ask him what the ring is for, and he explains that it measures out an exact liquid ounce and the alcohol cannot be poured without the ring. WHAT!!!! What kind of cruel joke has the Mormon God played on me??? I know He is up there with Brigham Young at that very moment mocking me and preparing my place in the 7th ring of hell. For what else could a just and loving God do but thrust a sinner who smokes, drinks, does drugs, fornicates, has unclean thoughts, rides a motorcycle, doesn’t read the Bible, and commits other such unforgiveable acts down to the eternal fires of the underworld? If only I had kept that pamphlet for myself rather than send it to my friend, oh, how foolish was I, and I shall burn for it for all of time!!!!!! Well, since I’m damned anyway, might as well order another exactly-one-shot-and-no-more-Gin and Tonic and light up a cigarette. WHAT??? I can’t smoke in here???? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????? I PAID $4.08 + TAX FOR THESE CIGARETTES AND I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SMOKE THEM!!!!!! THIS IS A BAR FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!!!! THIS IS UNAMERICAN!!!!! AND WHY CAN’T I HAVE ANOTHER DRINK????? IT’S ONLY 12:40?? HOW THE FUCKING HELL CAN LAST CALL BE AT 12:30???? ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE???????????? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???????? WHY????? WHY????? WHY?????????????????????
As I stand outside in the bitter cold, smoking my cigarette, I realize that there are only two paths that lead to hope for this city. First, follow the final command of one Col. Walter E. Kurtz: “Drop the bomb Incinerate them all!!!!” The second hope involves a rather intricate plot. First, get enough LSD to put into their water supply to get the entire state zonked. In their madness, there will be enough release of repressed sexual desire that the orgies that would break out would be enough to make Caligula blush. Young Mormon girls ripping their clothes and white grandma underwear off in the streets while young Mormon boys rush to fill every orifice in their pious little bodies. Orgiastic screams of 25 year old Mormon virgins as their purity is taken away by multiple men, all filmed by Incertest Enterprises for Mormon Girls Gone Wild, only $19.95, call now! Operators are standing by to take your advance order! Have your credit card ready!!! The ones that do not succumb to their inner most deep, dark, base, sexually perverse desires will most definitely find the nearest 12 gauge shotgun and blow their brains out, so their blood mingles with the blood of the virgins on the streets. The last part of this wonderfully genius plan is to do this right before election day, and have them, in their stoned daze, cast their vote for the Freak Ticket, so good American people, people who smoke and drink and do drugs and fornicate, will be elected to run the state, thus finally bringing some sanity to this land.
As I drive home, I see signs for Las Vegas and Reno. I tell myself Vegas is only a mere 5 hour drive, hit it, take the turn!!!! Get out of this place where the mere thoughts you have will get you strung up in Temple Square!!!!! Get back to where the American Dream is alive and booming!!!!! Alas, I know that the World’s SECOND sport utility wagon would not make it, for the Mormon God would smite my transmission or have a hoard of locusts clog my fuel filter. No, I must accept my Fate, however terrible, and stay here until the Olympics are over. But just wait until after…