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In Defense of Selective Hearing

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I am a big fan of selective hearing. It’s what lets me tolerate a lot of people whose foreheads I might normally want to decorate with a festive mattock (it’s like a pick axe.) There’s only so many times I can hear the same excuse, or complaint. There’s only so many times I can deal with the same lame attempts at humor (other than my own.) And most importantly, there’s only so often I can simply smile and nod at the person talking about how fags and dykes get special treatment. The last time I checked, being strung up and left for dead or beaten with blunt objects doesn’t count as special treatment unless your name is David Carradine. It’s so much better when I can just zone out and think about what I’m going to have for lunch, or that amazing crap this morning that I swear took 10 pounds off of my frame.

And so my friends, we come to my endorsement of selective hearing. Selective hearing is a method of sanity retention one practices by nodding, “uh-huh”ing, and generally “hmm”ing their way through what is essentially a one way outpouring of intellectually challenged drivel. It was created by Jesus when the poorly washed dudes who followed him around calling themselves “apostles” just kept telling him story after story of tall tales as only a meshuganah can. “You should write a book” he’d say as a means of shutting them up, after walking hours in the burning heat wearing only a toga and some sandals. And so they did. So in this case, selective hearing was helpful for Jesus AND his disciples. He never “heard” them, but they believed he did and were encouraged by his feigned interest. Isn’t that what life is all about? It’s the kind of thing that has protected the sanity of producers, and fueled the terrible writers that have made Hollywood what it is for generations.

Writer: Hey Jim. We should make a modern day movie based on abysmally stupid and short lived 80s sticom “Small Wonder”

Producer: Hey yeah. That’s interesting. You should write that down.

And there you have it! Selective hearing is a good thing! Just ask Paul W.S. Anderson, who has written and/or directed some of the largest pieces of excrement ever to grace big and small screens alike, such as Resident Evil, Aliens vs. Predator, and Event Horizon, and continues to be given the money to do so.

Think Peter Pan (or R. Kelly)– you just have to believe you can fly. Sometimes another person’s selective hearing can help you to do that when honest feedback cannot. If not already a practicing selective hearer, I encourage you all to try it on your own apostles.

2 responses to “In Defense of Selective Hearing”

  1. Jason Jason says:

    But I meant "fags" and "dykes" in the positive way.

  2. Avatar The Tailor says:

    Well said, Matt. Although, I have to disagree with you about "Event Horizon," the rest of Anderson's movies are shit.

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