Fact or Fiction? (Things My Mother Told Me Edition)

September 29, 2011

Faithful readers, today you get the once-in-a-lifetime chance to play a game called “Fact or Fiction? (Things My Mother Told Me Edition).” After reading each statement, decide if the information my mother shared with me is true or false. Ready? Let’s play!
Fact or Fiction?
My great-great-grandmother Hanold was buried in a Frederick’s of Hollywood negligee and her leather motorcycle boots.
Fact or Fiction?
My great-grandmother Millie, in a wheelchair in the nursing home after suffering a severe stroke, had to be locked in her bedroom because she kept sneaking out to have sex with the other pensioners.
Fact or Fiction?
My grandfather Dan was 100% Heron Indian, born in Canada and adopted by a family in New York State. His mother regretted her decision and went to live with the family as the maid and nanny. His adopted mother often locked him in his bedroom without food and water for days. When his real mother tried to sneak food to him, his adopted mother whipped her with a strand of pearls. The adopted mother was eventually tossed in the loony bin.
Fact or Fiction?
Promiscuous at sixteen, my mother got an STD, and my grandmother had to take her to the doctor’s. They discovered she was pregnant with me.
Fact or Fiction?
My first word was “shit.”
Fact or Fiction?
As a baby, I used to eat cigarette butts out of the ashtrays.
Fact or Fiction?
In her best year as a stripper, my mother made over $100,000. Most of which she blew on drugs, alcohol, and a boob job.
Fact or Fiction?
She’s on a first-name basis with former president George Dubya.

*****

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. But I can tell you the following:
My mother is a compulsive liar. Fact.

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