What I Know (but Only Because You Asked)
Only assholes get credit for “being themselves.”
NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB have no female officiators that I know of. For what reason?
Being thoughtful of others is much harder than being nice to others. That’s not a reason not to be thoughtful, by the way.
The death of “whom” has been greatly exaggerated. Isn’t it time to learn how to use it?
The projects either need a better annual review to determine who should stay and who should go, or they should be remained “the permanents.” No stay in the projects should be longer than the Big Dig.
Budweiser is the King of Beers only if Arby’s is the King of Restaurants.
Anyone who calls herself a poet should be required to sign an affidavit saying she has had non-academic experience in her life. Otherwise, she should be limited to publishing her work only in her family holiday letter. It’s really for the best.
I expect my cause of death will be listed as “Fatal stroke caused by stress related to no non-gender singular pronoun in English.” See previous entry for an example.
A kind-of racist joke does not exist. It’s either racist or it’s not racist. The same likely goes for the teller.
The term “let’s take it offline” is among this year’s crop of business-speak terms. It’s evolved–no, devolved–to mean “let’s discuss later.” So educated people with large salaries are now heard saying “I can’t talk now, so let’s take it offline” or “let’s take this offline–I’ll e-mail you later.” Sigh.
Playing fantasy sports does require certain skills. Those skills have little to do with following the actual sport.
Downtown Boston no longer has a large bookstore. This isn’t right.
I like the song “My Own Prison” by Creed, and for the hell of me I can’t figure out why. Bad band, bad singer, hypocritical stance, mediocre lyrics, simplistic guitars, really bad singer. God does work in mysterious ways indeed. Apologies to Mike Hess—please still be my friend.
Greedo didn’t shoot first.
The right to U.S. citizenship should be evaluated every ten years, just to weed out the losers who were born here and don’t know a good thing when they have it. Factors for grading could include voting record, basic knowledge of U.S. history and the Constitution, some basic respect for the President as an entity, and exercising our freedoms without being a big mouth. Number of flag stickers should not be a criterion.
Belief in God is either highly overrated or vastly undervalued, depending on how close your car is to the edge of the cliff.
Drinking beer in public should be allowed for those with a proven record of civic excellence. Like me, for instance.
All meat eaters should kill their meal at least once a year to ensure commitment to the cause.
All vegans should fund scientific research to ensure that plants feel no pain or have no soul.
All who insist upon calling themselves “pescatarians” should hang their head in shame for being a failure on both sides of the animal rights debate. It’s okay to make choices in life without insisting upon a label, goddammit.
I still think smoking can look cool. Thank goodness I never worried about being cool for a day in my life.
Finally, what I don’t know would take the rest of my life to write, so I opted for the easier of the options.