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Present Tension

What do you do when you don’t feel “safe” anymore?
How do you deal with the continued erosion of your own self assumed ideas of “community”? Or “neighborhood”? Or “home”?
What’s the procedure when the local newspaper (or newspaper web site, just to be current) is regularly reporting increasing violence all around you, your home, and your family?
You can always call the police…Right? There is a fine line between sudden victim and informed paranoia, with dire consequences on either side.
Then, there’s the gossip, the whisper-down-the-lane-bullshit we all disregard is theory but eat the fuck up in person…They did WHAT? You think he’s beating his wife HOW? She’s turning tricks WHERE? Well, they have 5 kids, they have to provide somehow…Sucking dick is better than starving, right?!? RIGHT?!?
Your senses begin to tingle each night…It’s 1:30 in the morning…Why is there a Cadillac pulling into my neighbor’s driveway? Why is she getting into the car with this person for what seems to be an extended period of time while I am perched in my underwear on my toilet, peering out my tiny bathroom window, my giant bald head eclipsing the mild light from the Glade air freshener plug-in, making me insecure about being seen staring out MY OWN GODDAMN BATHROOM FUCKING WINDOW, I OWN THE FUCKING HOUSE I CAN LOOK OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW AT ANY GODDAMN TIME IT’S MY FUCKING RIGHT!!
More violence is reported. A young girl, 14, shot multiple times a couple miles away. My drug dealer neighbor shows up one day with his face so badly beaten he can’t see out of one eye. Another neighbor tells me a story about recent gang tags a few streets over. An increase in home invasions…What? Really?
The research, meant to make you “feel” more “informed” doesn’t help. Googling “Home Invasion” with your area code just brings up countless links from months gone by…A “team” of five “infiltrate” an apartment building and kick in doors demanding money, pistol whip one man and his girlfriend when they try to barricade themselves into their bedroom…Two “persons of interest” aged between 15 and 19 years, forcing a victim…That word, “VICTIM”….into their BASEMENT and demanding drugs and money…A recent, within the last two weeks, HOME INVASION (THEY ARE INVADING YOUR HOME MOTHERFUCKER) where a gunman (THAT’S A GUY WITH A FUCKING GUN) held children hostage for money and drugs AND THIS WAS LESS THAN A MILE FROM YOUR HOUSE. YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOU SLEEP, WHERE YOUR WIFE SLEEPS, WHERE YOUR BABY SLEEPS. You don’t have money…I don’t have money, I don’t do drugs…WE DON’T DO DRUGS. WE HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER THESE…PERPETRATORS. CRIMINALS. MURDERERS. SCUMBAGS. WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS? You hope to never know. But you prepare.
It hits closer to home, a friend or a coworker…Their brother shot during a home invasion while tackling the intruder…The SAME THING YOU WOULD DO IN THAT SITUATION, I WOULD DO, and his ass got SHOT MOTHERFUCKER. “If someone came in my house, I’d kill them.” You keep saying that to yourself. “I’d KILL them, CUT them, STAB them, hit them with a MOTHERFUCKING BRICK.” You say this because the paranoia and survival instinct kicks in, and you’re not gonna let someone harm your family, or take your shit, or your money, but you DON’T KNOW how you will really react. “It’s never gonna be the Jackie Chan scene it could have been”. And you’re no good to anyone dead, no matter what some retarded hero instinct is telling you. BUT YOU WILL PROTECT THEM.
So you prepare. And Hope it won’t happen. Plans are made…Extra locks are bought. A big ass pile of throwing knives, some butterfly-trench knives for me, some pepper spray to make her feel better, but no guns. SHE WON’T HAVE GUNS IN THE HOUSE, and I don’t entirely blame her. I’m not a gun guy…I avoided them when my friends went through their gun phases because I didn’t trust myself to not go GUN NUTS. I respect guns, I respect responsible gun owners, and the bottom line is…Guns are cool. Just not for us, at least not yet. Stun guns are neat, but fuck, we can’t afford those. We don’t have the cash…We can’t afford to defend ourselves, why would someone rob us? Practice, defense takes practice, stab someone LIKE THIS, cut someone LIKE THIS, punch someone in the face and KICK THE SHIT OUT OF THEM LIKE THIS. Fight for your life, for the lives of your family. KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER BEFORE HE KILLS YOU.
I’m a little more aware of that car that seems to be following me while I walk the dog around 9:30 PM on a Friday…First around one corner…Then a full block…Now a second corner…WHY ARE THEY DRIVING SO FUCKING SLOW? Right behind me…I deftly (at least, I think it is deftly) slide my fingers around the chrome knuckles in my pocket, and walk a little straighter and slower…COME GET ME BITCH. I won’t show anyone fear, I won’t be anyone’s victim. It makes me feel better, even if it is completely hollow. Shit, the dog. I can’t fight anyone with the dog here.
It passes. I got home. The car followed me as far as my house, then parked. I never saw where they went, but they were gone five minutes later. Maybe just stopping for weed or a blowjob. I WILL NOT BE HELPLESS. I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM. I WILL FIGHT THEM. I WILL PROTECT MY FAMILY. I WILL NOT BACK DOWN.
Upon stressful obsession, a SHAKING, PACING, CHEST THUMPING INTERLUDE, I recall two instances where the back gate wasn’t latched, like someone came into the yard CASING THE HOUSE MAYBE?…Or just the neighbor kids getting a lost ball. I mean, it wouldn’t be an easy house to break into, unless you really BROKE IN, took out a window, something loud, we would hear, neighbors would hear, someone would do something. But why? We have nothing, not even a fucking flat screen TV like the rest of the WORLD, why would anyone try to take from us? We need better curtains, and some more locks…Can we get more knives? You really can’t have enough knives, is what it comes down to. AND SOMETHING ELSE TO HIT A MOTHERFUCKER WITH, maybe that giant iron rod with the bearing on the end? The one that came from my old job, it was part of some huge machine AND IT’LL KILL A MOTHERFUCKER GOOD.
STILL PLANNING….OK, if we hear something, the dog barks, the doors open, the floor squeaks under the weight OF SOME MOTHERFUCKING SCUMBAG then you go here with the baby and call the police, I’ll hide here and wait, like some giant visible oaf in my underwear wielding a baseball bat…It’ll be fine. I’LL FUCKING KILL A MOTHERFUCKER IN MY HOUSE. Hide a knife here, then here, the baby can’t reach them, no one can see them. I WILL CUT SOMEONE’S FUCKING THROAT OUT, AT LEAST I’M TAKING A FUCKING EYE, ANYONE THAT COMES IN MY HOUSE IS GOING TO LEAVE MISSING SOMETHING. We’ll be safe, you’ll be safe, the baby will be safe.
I hope.

11 responses to “Present Tension”

  1. Pual Pual says:

    Great stuff. I got paranoid just reading. I AM WORRIED ENOUGH ABOUT THE LOONIES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD? I walked onto the subway the other day with my wife. The whole car was packed with little thug teens. Two of them were flipping open knives – one right behind my wife. It was emasculating.
    Sometimes I do think the whole city, region, nation are going down the crapper, Escape from New York style. But mostly I think I'm just getting older, and now don't even like turbulence on a flight. Anyhow, great piece. I wanted to hear more.

    • Avatar WreckedUm says:

      Thanks man. It hit really close to home this week, when my wife came home and told me about her coworker being hit in a Home Invasion, and they live about 8 blocks from us. I went into total paranoid, violent survival mode, I was shaking at the thought, especially now with the baby in the house. I looked up recent home Invasions in the area, and it is happening all around us, a pair or a group of youths, about 15 to 19, climbing into people's homes while they sleep and demanding drugs and money. They seem to be targeting known drug dealers, users, and the elderly, but it still flipped the switch in me, especially the report I read about a gunman holding a toddler hostage to get money.
      I really want to buy a firearm, but there are a lot of valid concerns we both have about it, including the fact that neither of us have any gun experience. My wife was pretty dead set against the idea. Like I said, I don't blame her, but that is the next step if something does happen close to home. That, or moving.

  2. llxt llxt says:

    The most important FACT here is that "sucking dick is better than starving." Other than that, I'd like to say…maybe you wanna put the Paranoia Persona on hold a little bit. I firmly believe when it's our time, it's our time. Not much you, me or a gun can do about it (except…like you mentioned…interrupt the "time" and take your life Much Quicker than is Necessary). Not convinced? Go back and read your {own} post about the survivalist. Nobody wants to be THAT guy… Right?

  3. Avatar Erick G. says:

    As always, great read, my friend. I’ve lived with that paranoia my whole life…mostly because I was born & raised in the bronx.
    No matter what, the safety of you and yours comes first.

    • Avatar WreckedUm says:

      Thanks G! That's how I look at it. I've gotten a lot of good responses from various places I linked this, and no one has a "right" answer. I just have to be prepared, vigilant, and smart. I gotta say, my temper might send that last one out the window if the time comes.

  4. Avatar prep bud says:

    get another dog. a big-ass mean-looking one, but one that is pre-tested for behavior around children. i did, and i feel better about the situation. all you need is something to make them go to the next house, instead of yours.
    scary shit indeed.

    • Avatar WreckedUm says:

      I think a full bred German Shepard (I could call him LAW) or Rottweiler (JUNKYARD!!) would fill the role nicely, but I couldn't have a dog that big, there isn't enough room in our little house. I'll have to settle for my little fluffy white dog, she barks a lot, but cowers pretty easily. We've taken to adding some locks, installing some more locks, and reinforcing a few windows. Our house wouldn't be easy to get into without making a lot of noise, and our neighborhood is very close, almost claustrophobic, so the chances of someone hearing something is pretty good. Thanks for the comment, Prep Bud!!

  5. Avatar GoD says:

    So, the same fuckin pussy that wanted to push his pregnant wife down the stairs and sell his newborn on the Asian black market is now concerned about their well being?!?!?!?!
    Bravo! Well done! You have now pulled an illegal u-turn in your blog(?)(post?) life and become the quintessential family man. Let me know when your penis grows back…

  6. Avatar notpicard says:

    Get some cameras in there. There are plenty of decent IR DVR sets out there.

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