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The No Beef-Shit Show

I taught myself how to cook, and I take great pride in it. Just ask my husband.  I complain to him regularly about what a difficult and complex job it is to make a weekly meal plan, grocery list, and then go get the groceries from three different stores (because going to the Indian store is way cheaper than the regular grocery store, but it doesn’t have everything so I have to go, and oh I have to recycle my bottles for my 5 cents, and no I don’t care that I look like a homeless person), then bringing them home, putting them away, and cooking the meals each evening after an entire day at work.
Thankfully, he’s appreciative of my experiments and not concerned if he has to survive on bread or Taco Bell. In fact, once we were watching a cooking show on Food Network (don’t ask why two vegetarians are so fascinated with Top Chef as we are) and he said, ‘Hey why couldn’t you do that?’ Have a show that is, not cook that item.
“Oh, my dear,” I said shaking my head and smiling at his sweet innocence. “No one would pay to hear me monologue on cooking. Besides, they don’t just talk about the process–they actually come up with the recipes.”
Since then, when I’ve been alone in the kitchen “cooking” (e.g. following a recipe) I have started muttering under my breath. Why couldn’t I have my own show? I’d even pepper in some of my time saving techniques for other people my age who want to cook well but don’t have the time. . .
So what I’m doing now is just cutting large flat pieces of this onion, which I’ll then put in to my Vidalia onion chopper that I got from Wal-Mart for $15 bux. Let me tell you this little tool is a lifesaver. You can use this to make quick work chopping all sorts of things, these onions, or bell peppers, even carrots if you have the arm strength!
Ok, now I’m done with my onions, and I’m going to go back to my soy beef crumbles that have been thawing over here. Now for those of you who are vegetarian and want to get some protein in your diet, these are GREAT. I love this brand too, they make all sorts of yummy meat alternatives you should try. What I’m doing to do is mix this in with my sauce, but I’m actually going to BLEND it, because last time I made this dish, my vegetarian husband complained about ‘beef-shit’ in his food. He’s one of those types that can’t handle his mock-meat! So this is a sneaky way of getting in the protein without really changing the taste. Let me tell you about this blender of mine. . .it is a little expensive, but It is just FANtastic. Truly the last blender you’ll ever need to own. . .
I could do this.  Totally.  Assuming it was on a network that allowed me to say ‘beef-shit’.

15 responses to “The No Beef-Shit Show”

  1. Jason Jason says:

    Really nice work, Paypar! Welcome to 30pov.

  2. Avatar disperse says:

    Any recipes you’d like to share? I need a good Indian vegetarian meal that I can prepare in 30 minutes…

  3. Avatar ami says:

    Bravo Payal!!!!! so from now whenever you have your cooking channel on i want to be the Judge…I know you will experiment somethinf and that dish will come out to be amazing.gd luck

    • paypar paypar says:

      oh crap. now i've done it. see now, I never claimed to be a good cook.. .. having pride in what you do and having that thing be actually GOOD is not necessarily the same thing. 🙂 But i'd be glad for you to judge my cooking. Just as long as there are no other competitors.

  4. Avatar Wei-Jue says:

    I like your writing, Payal. Please write more! 🙂 BTW I didn't even know that you and your husband are vegetarians…

  5. Avatar The Husband says:

    Great work, very nicely written – the "husband" 🙂

  6. paypar paypar says:

    he's real damnit

  7. Avatar kanchan says:

    Real nice work Payal, the imagery is perfect.

  8. Avatar The Tailor says:

    A fellow new cook. Welcome

  9. Avatar rnelson78 says:

    Well done Payal. If you had a show, I would definiately (sp?) watch it. I can't wait for your next post. It's fun to sort of be "behind the scenes" of this article since I know your husband, your kitchen, your blender, etc. LOL My favorite part was about you looking like a homeless person when you recycle the bottles. I'm sure they would edit that part out of your TV show. 🙂

    • paypar paypar says:

      don'tcha wish ur blender was hot like minez?
      i think they'd show me lookin' like a grub on tv. don't we always want to see the beautiful without their glam on?

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paypar About paypar

A second generation Indian American, Payal Mehta was raised by small business owners, which in turn led her to chase a life of corporate servitude. She recently escaped, and now works from home and spends time cooking, writing, and acting--and basically doing whatever else she wants. Connect with her on Instagram @paypar38.

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