« »

Racing to the Finishing Line of Lonely Spinsterhood

The world bombards us with cliches. Some ring more true than others. Walking through life without any sort of universally expected outcome of certain situations is nearly impossible unless we suffer from amnesia.

Oh my god. Seriously? This is the shit that you’re thinking about? Cliches?

“Tastes like chicken” doesn’t exactly write itself unless I were to just write up some food review and how cliche would that be? Ha ha ha ha!

Don’t make bad jokes, it’s unbecoming. Also, you don’t find any coincidence writing about cliche when you’re a walking cliche?

A walking cliche? Come on, that’s not true. Yeah, I have quirks that you’d maybe expect but putting a near absolute on that is a bit confining.

Please just tell me that you’re completely void of self-awareness. No idea of how you appear to anyone but that stupid princess who lives in your head. Do you not realize how ridiculous you are? You are a single woman in her early 30s. You’re constantly covered in cat hair. You pretend to care about your appearance yet put minimal effort into maintenance, claiming that you prefer to spend your time on more important things. What are these “more important things,” might I ask?

Studying, dancing, yogaing, all things that both improve me and make me happy.

Are you yogaing the five minutes it would take you to blow dry your hair and put on a little make up in the morning? No, you are hitting the snooze button and then claiming to care about your hair and skin by not polluting it when in reality you are lazy. No wonder you are single!

Woah woah woah. So I enjoy sleep. That has nothing to do with my relationship status. With which I am perfectly content.

Liar liar pants on fire. Or rather liar liar can’t get anyone who wants in your pants. How many hours of your life do you spend analyzing past relationships and potential future relationships (by the way, Jake Gyllenhall is not going to see you walking down the street one day and fall madly in love with you because you’re “real” so you should just get over that) or rehash again how you don’t know if it’s societal pressure or what you actually want out of life?

Well, I don’t know what I want, so why jump into something I don’t even know would make me happy? Isn’t it also cliche to be doing the opposite of what you want or are expected to do? Then I’d be like a double cliche.

Get with the times. While you were busy taking baths and cross-stitching irony went out again. You’re not clever enough to catch on to that anyway. But it’s okay, pumpkin, at least this way we know exactly what to expect from you at all times. It’s kind of comforting. Like you’re doing a service to all the people actually doing something productive with their lives.

5 responses to “Racing to the Finishing Line of Lonely Spinsterhood”

  1. Avatar disperse says:

    Evil-Em is SO MEAN…

  2. Avatar ebbillings says:

    Irony is ALWAYS in style!

  3. Avatar The Tailor says:

    Em, I love the posts where you argue with yourself…:)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

« »
RSS | Contact | Contribute | Login


October 2011
Kiss & Tell
July 2011
May 2011
2011 Best Of