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Faking the Foodie

I am not a foodie. Although, I once had an internship at a cultural publication, where I wrote about various food events in town and thus pretended that I was a bona fide foodie. Foodie, I am not. Hungry, I am always.
These two concepts are not necessarily related to each other. Foodies strive to eat the best of the best. They savor the flavors and nuances of fantastically prepared food, whereas I usually stand in my kitchen in my underwear shoving fragments of whatever I can find into my mouth. Most of the time, I don’t even use plates or utensils. In fact, I try to figure out ways to not use any dishes to minimize the amount of time I have to be in the kitchen cleaning up. At thirty two, I have mastered the art of eating a full meal on a napkin using only a toothpick.
This kind of eating has dulled my taste buds into liking almost anything that enters my mouth. (Within reason.) When I go out to eat, I generally like whatever I order because it’s usually 85 times better than anything I have ever made myself. I’m always a happy customer as long as the food has quieted the hungry beast in my belly.
My taste buds fail me when it comes to journalistic endeavors as a food writer. They are not trained to pick out shades of different flavors. I find myself repeatedly stumped when asked to describe what a particular dish tastes like.
Through the writing internship, I figured out that my tasting expertise is limited to three broad categories: salty, sweet, and not so salty or sweet. Moreover, my opinion of food is restricted to two overarching categories: tastes good and tastes bad. That is it.
Can I pick out a hint of nutmeg, a touch of turmeric, a smidgen of tangy onion relish, or a dash of cinnamon?
Hell no.
I love good food, but most of the time, it all tastes good to me anyway. Something would have to be horrendously disgusting or in violation of health codes for me to deem it tastes bad.
I had to fake it for a little while for my writing career, but the foodie lifestyle is one that cannot be easily faked. To the foodies out there that read the food coverage of my past, I know that you know I was faking it and thank you for not writing me hate mail.

2 responses to “Faking the Foodie”

  1. Avatar disperse says:

    I don’t know much about food criticism but I’m a great fake beer snob. I just throw in phrases like “mouth feel” and talk about the “hoppy finish.”

  2. Avatar The Tailor says:

    Sometimes, enjoyment of food can be that simple. "Mouth feel?"

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imee12 About imee12

Imee Cuison is a freelance writer, critical care nurse, script reader, and occasional professional (not glorified) furniture mover whose viewpoints encompass post-colonial musings, deconstruction of the commonplace, and making nonsense out of mole hills. She currently resides in Charleston, SC, otherwise known as the Holy City. Her work has appeared in Maganda Magazine, Psychic Meatloaf, and phati'tude Literary Magazine.

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