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It's ALWAYS a party (in my pants) 2: The Dickening

Honestly, the last 1200 words were really just a build up to talking about this site. (What the fuck just happened? Didn’t I just say that?)
I’m not going to link to any of the sites I’ll be talking about. If you want to see them, go look for yourself.
Youporn.com is a site where movies and clips can be uploaded and viewed by anyone, just like YouTube. And also like YouTube, the variety of shit you can find on there is astounding. The site has been around forever, it’s very popular, ranking as one of the top 100 or so site in the entire world since like 2006 or something. Dane Cook even mentioned it in one of his stand up routines (a cultural touch stone for popularity, to be sure). It has been a source of controversy in the past, and more recently has been targeted by the legal side of the Porn industry because of rampant piracy on it and other similar sites. Just like Viacom fights with YouTube to prevent the unauthorized use of it’s content, Sunny Lane might fight with Youporn to keep the video of her sucking 5 cocks in a row like a semen swallowing circus seal available only on her pay site. Regardless, even without all the professional industry stuff, the amateur, “let’s make a video while we’re drunk” stuff is huge on there, too. Married couples, college parties, flashing, ex-girlfriend’s stripteases, voyeur shit…Anyone with a camera can do something naked and put it on Youporn, and an awful lot of people do.
An offshoot of Youporn is a site called Youpornmate. It is a web cam site. Another popular trend in internet pornography, web cam sites provide the viewer with a real flesh and blood person on the other side of a video feed just waiting to do something nasty for them to watch…For a price, of course. It’s a lot like going to a titty bar, but without going to a titty bar. And with less restrictions on what can be done. And hell, at a titty bar you can’t touch the girls OR yourself, at least with a web cam, you can beat off. I’m not sure it is more or less personal, but it is a hell of a lot easier if you want to wax on-wax off and are too busy to go out.
There are other options with a web cam site. It used to be view only feed, with communication through a chat window, but now most that I have seen have have audio as well, so the girls can talk dirty to you (more on that later). That frees up the girl’s hands (very important, I assure you) and they can answer incoming chat verbally, like they are having a conversation with dozens of perverts all at once.  There are also cam to cam options-if you have your own web cam, and really want some chick you don’t know watching you manhandle yourself, you can totally do it. Personally, I’m not into that. Sure, I see the benefits. Exposing yourself to a random woman would normally come with a fine or maybe some jail time. But if my pants are down, then that’s Wrecked-Um time. I’d prefer to spend it in quiet arousal, without having to entertain someone else, where I can collect my thoughts and beat my dick like it owes me money. Besides, it is already an undignified enough situation, stretched out on my couch with the lap top balanced on one knee and the other leg thrown over the arm of the couch for balance, dick in one hand, lube in the other, trying to type with greasy fingers. I don’t need someone staring at me while I play Stranger.
Wait, you’ve never heard of Stranger? It became pretty popular when some movie mentioned it, Ocean’s 11 I think. It’s where you sit on your left hand (assuming you’re right handed) until it is numb, then using a reverse grip (thumb by your testicles), you masturbate, and between the numbness and the use of your presumably less skilled hand, it feels like a Stranger is giving you a handy. I have grown beyond games for the most part, but I still play a variation of Stranger. I’ll sit on my hand until it is numb, hit myself in the head with a lead pipe, steal my wallet, and then reverse-grip masturbate. I call that one “Victim”.
The video feeds on these web cam site come from women all over the world. There is a large concentration in Russia, and other eastern European countries, but there is also many in the US, Canada, Great Britain, France, Venezuela, Brazil, Asia, and many more. The women are generally feeding from their own homes, too. It really opens the whole voyeurism thing up to a whole new level. And while there are certainly times when I find some stuff on YPM pretty cool, I’m not here to talk up the sexy bits. No, because where the real story for these cam sites, for me, is the fucking comedy.
Many of the girls don’t speak English very well, depending on what country they are from. And there is nothing funnier than a chick with a thick Russian accent talking dirty over a bad audio feed, yelling shit like “You liking to see me toooch mah pooooo-say?” or “Oh babee, I am the feeling soooo hot for you…” Like outtakes from a bad James Bond parody played over a fast food drive through speaker. And they get DIRTY, too, even when they are just typing. I’ve never been one for the dirty talk, it always seems kind of forced and childish to me, but oh my fucking god is it funny to hear and read. I took this clip from a girl in Russia trying to entice me into a “Pvt” or “Private” (as in, taking her into a private chatroom when I would have to pay as much as $6 per minute to hear and see her do what I want her to do). This girl’s name was “SweetAndTasty” (the names are a fucking riot, too).

SweetAndTasty: hru today?

im soo hot and horney right now 😉

mmm im so playful today)))


need cum

wanna help me??????????????


wanna fuck hot russian girl???


ty bb

do u wanna see my hot squirt?

i am so close 4 squirtttttttt

4do u wanna see how i cum hard?)


would u like to go to pvt with me?))

lets go to play

i wanna cum with u

After a few minutes of her typing to get my interest, and me laughing so hard I would not have been able to get it up anyway, she bounced me out of her room.
Even more hilarious than the broken English, though, are the girls in the US. I don’t want to generalize and try to say the women that do this type of work might have some issues, because I have no doubt most sex workers are completely normal, well adjusted individuals with no mental or emotional problems, and perfectly normal childhoods. But I tell you, when they are a little touched in the head, it can be really fucking funny.
I watched one girl for about a half hour, while she sat on her bed and told her life story. Without ever seeing her naked, I found out that she was a nursing student, had a 5 year old son that was currently in school, she was only doing this to pay for the nursing education, she had problems keeping a man because most guys are turned off by what she did for a living, and in between she’d answer incoming messages that I couldn’t see. So while she lamented not having a boyfriend, she’d stop mid sentence and say, “Hi BIGBLACKCOCK79, sure I have big dildos, but I bet they aren’t as big as you.” Or “Hey BobLikesAnal, I did paint my toenails last night, do you want to see my feet?” Or the surprising, “How are you, Mr. PooPooPachu, I did get the Boba Fett helmet you sent me, I’ll wear it in private if you like…”
The down time in between sessions must be excruciatingly boring for them, and that is what I love to watch. Once, I clicked on a room with a fat chick that was screaming right into the cam because so many guys were asking to see her tits without wanting to pay up for a private session, or give “gold”, a system where the person watching can donate $1 with a simple click. Hell hath no fury like a half naked fat chick scorned, she was flipping out and hollering shit like, “If all you nasty motherfuckers wanna see these big titties then you need to open up your wallets and pay the fuck up, because I’m no whore!!! I don’t give it away for free!!” Oh, boy. Someone has their definitions crossed.
I’ve popped in on a pregnant chick drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette, another chick that fell asleep and was drooling, and once a chick left her cam on while she was taking a dump, but that may have been intentional for someone, I don’t know. Frequently they are changing their outfits, eating, drinking or smoking. Sometimes you’ll see them bring their pets over, or pics of their boyfriends. They make inane, seemingly one way small talk with the guys in chat, and I find it all very entertaining. It’s like people watching, but the people are half naked and trashy. And female, mostly.
There is also a section for couples on cams, so if you want to see the chick getting banged by her man, or a man, you can pay to see that, too. One I like watching, a couple that goes by the name “StickyWetCouple” (another funny fucking name), are from the US, somewhere down South. The broadcast from their bedroom. The woman is a pretty hot blonde, I’ve never seen the guy. They have what looks like family pics on the wall behind their bed, so that is distracting. They funny part is the downtime banter between the two of them. I have seen them arguing about who would make dinner, when their family was coming by for Christmas, and once I lucked into the guy yelling at her from off camera for “Not playin’ with her titties enough,” cause “whose gonna come in here and watch us fuck if they ain’t seein’ no titties?”. Her reply was “Well, if you don’t like it, why don’t you step up here and play with your pecker, then? That oughta get us someone.” PURE GOLD. It was like watching a sit com in real time.
But then, I guess Pornography has always had it’s elements of humor, from the bad story lines on movies, shitty dialogue, horrible acting and obvious plastic professional performers. Then there’s the Porn parodies of mainstream movies and media (Nailin’ Palin should get a fucking Oscar). There’s no reason to not see humor in the ever evolving nature of Porn on the internet. Maybe next time I’ll talk about a nasty site I found called “The Tampa Bukakke Club”, where a cast of HIDEOUS troglodytic trailer park dwellers get together to have sex with some poor girl, and every once in a while turn to the camera, flash gang signs and yell “Boooooooo-COCKY!!!!!!”. That shit still makes me giggle.

9 responses to “It's ALWAYS a party (in my pants) 2: The Dickening”

  1. Sam Sam says:

    Well, I didn't think *I'd* be first to comment, but I gotta say, though I think porn is, with no exceptions I can think of, gross, I did laugh pretty loudly at "beat my dick like it owes me money." Bravo…er…yeah.

  2. Avatar WreckedUm says:

    Yeah, these last two posts didn't inspire a lot of dialogue, but I didn't really expect them to. Most people, even those who enjoy pornography, probably aren't interested in sharing quite this openly. And the ones who are, well, they are probably not people we'd want to hear from. Plus, what are people really gonna share? Masturbation tips and tricks, fantasies, web site ideas? i figured the best I'd get was praise for my dick jokes. THOSE I worked REALLY HARD ON. Get it? Hard on? I'm here all week. folks.

  3. llxt llxt says:

    hey w.u. now that you've got some free time, maybe you could jet to boston and guest speak in my ethical dilemmas seminar. got any ideas for topics…??????

  4. Avatar The Tailor says:

    Like Mark, I'm still laughing at "victim." and the fact that you treat your dick like a loan shark.
    You're the only person I know who would give sex workers the benefit of the doubt. 🙂

    • Avatar WreckedUm says:

      I've seen my share of coked out strippers to understand where you're coming from, but I still like to think that under all the sweat, astroglide, body glitter, rug burn, c-section scars, cigarette breath and semen, there is still a soul in there…Somewhere.

  5. Avatar WreckedUm says:

    It's a delicate balance, hitting yourself hard enough with the pipe to feel it, but not knocking yourself out. It takes a lot of practice.

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