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The Hunted Carrot

The Weekly Standard is not a publication with which I always agree, but this article caught my carrot-enhanced eye.

In a nutshell, the article describes how some in the Swiss government are lobbying for the rights of fruits and vegetables. Because both vegetables and fruits have, essentially, cells inside them which make them, in very meaningful senses of the word, alive, some groups believe they deserve moral and ethical rights preventing their demise, abuse, or humiliation.

I take no issue with the protection of our natural environment or all its inhabitants, whether animal, vegetable, mineral, or otherwise.

But a question comes to mind considering the basic elemental properties of everything, and I’d like to pose it to those who want to take the time to create a constitution on the behalf of the inanimate, the non-sentient, the edible: if I cut off my finger, does it have rights?


We must look at a carrot. It is an inanimate object, though more animate, perhaps, than a blender (at least an unplugged one). And while it may have plenty of microorganisms all over it, it is still not by itself a living or knowing being or organism. Is it part of the great organism that is existence, if we want to get all deep and universal here? Sure. But take away its purpose: that is, to be fucking eaten, and its very existence would be eviscerated over time.

If the demand for carrots is decreased exponentially by protective anti-carrot-eating laws or the Pro-Carrot-Life Lobby, then eventually, carrots will no longer grow because nature will have no need for them.

To the most radical of plant-lifers, humans eating them is obviously a no-no. Sorry, vegetarians.


But what of bunnies? Bunnies eat carrots. I saw it on TV.


Will plant-rights people keep the bunnies away from carrots because a carrot has an inalienable right to not be eaten? If the animals can’t eat carrots, why must carrots exist? No pun intended, but nature will weed them out! By creating rights for essential products on the food chain that are not even remotely sentient beings, plant-rights activists will, ironically, kill all plant life and potentially ALL life by destroying the food chain.

Plant-rights activists are, therefore, unknowing serial murderers of the worst kind. When they are done saving all the celery in the world, not only will there be no celery left to be eaten, but any insect that survives on celery will be extinct, any rodent or cute furry little being that eats those insects will be forced to take pet antidepressants, and no one will know what else to put on plates with chips and dip.

But I’m forgetting: chips come from potatoes. Potatoes have rights now. Slicing them into chips and frying them in grease is surely against several clauses in more than one international statute.


Do plant-rights activists and animal rights activists get along? I see some conflicts there. Let’s use our bunny example again. Does a bunny not have rights to eat whatever vegetable is in the field, the woods, the garden? If you are a plant-rights activist but also a fan of bunnies, where does your loyalty eventually lie? You cannot side with both bunnies and carrots; if you believe what you say, then one must eat, one must not be eaten. Both, therefore, in the long run, DIE.

The far-left in Europe seems so eager to protect nature in the short term that it is forgetting we are a mere speck on nature’s finger in the long term, let alone a relatively insignificant, invisible wrinkle on the universe’s perhaps-infinite palm.

This may seem random, but I’ll try to tie it in: How do the plant-lifers in Europe feel about abortion? I’d be surprised—shocked—to hear they were pro-life.

There are logical arguments for a woman to have a right to choose. Thus there are plenty of groups and political parties and marketing campaigns aligning themselves with those arguments in the woman’s favor.  But how many of the same people, or same groups, might be willing to try to convince you that while a fetus is just a fetus and not a life, a carrot or stalk of celery is a vital part of the Earth and has intrinsic value—other than its “alleged” purpose of edibility—and must therefore not be touched, moved, or most of all, eaten?

Unlike the sniveling Neocons who brought this frightening plant-rights idea to my attention, I support a woman’s right to choose. But I cannot support anyone—European, American, or otherwise—who says one pile of cells (we’ll call it Pile A) is worthless, while another pile (Pile B) that happens to be nutritious and/or delicious, deserves rights. Pile A happens to be inside a sentient being; the responsibility for that pile, then, should rest with the sentient being. Pile B is a fucking carrot. God put it here to be eaten. If there is no God, Earth and four billion years of evolution put it here to be eaten.


Some may say this is all exaggeration. It is not. It is a warning. While the rights go to the plants, they photosynthesize away from you. Having flowers at weddings may one day be flower abuse. Planting a tree may become a crime because you’ve infringed on the rights of the dirt. Writing a blog may become a crime because you’ve injured the dust mites on your keyboard, you’ve strained the eyes of the audience with your font, you’ve given carpal tunnel to those scrolling down your page.

This isn’t about fruits and vegetables. This isn’t about saving the rain forests or global warming. This is about the coming war between those who want to control everything you say, everything you eat, everything you buy, everything you do, everything you think, and those who want common sense, logic, wisdom, and true justice for each and every human without wanting to force everything on humanity through world-government intervention.


Both sides contain liberals and conservatives, young and old, male and female, and all creeds. Both sides are fighting to gain the attention of the apathetic consumer, but common sense, logic, and wisdom seem quite boring compared to many exciting causes or ethical debates, no matter how frivolous.

At the current rate, there will come a day when you will no longer be able to smoke, drink, eat, say, do, or think anything that some massive government hasn’t prepackaged and sold you.


If they ever start a Salad Prohibition, you can be sure to find me running lettuce through Canada and tomatoes through Mexico. And I’ve got a stash of Newman’s Own Balsamic Vinaigrette to last us all awhile.


4 responses to “The Hunted Carrot”

  1. Avatar The Tailor says:

    Yes, Kail, eating babies is wrong. Nice post.

  2. Kail Kail says:

    Thank you, Tailor. I had a suspicion you'd find plant-rights activists annoying. I mean, I know you like fries.

  3. llxt llxt says:

    you forgot about the sausage; it's the only one that gets away. (stick a pin in that to analyze later)

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