What I Know (but Only Because You Asked)

September 17, 2011

Only assholes get credit for “being themselves.”
NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB have no female officiators that I know of. For what reason?
Being thoughtful of others is much harder than being nice to others. That’s not a reason not to be thoughtful, by the way.
The death of “whom” has been greatly exaggerated. Isn’t it time to learn how to use it?
The projects either need a better annual review to determine who should stay and who should go, or they should be remained “the permanents.” No stay in the projects should be longer than the Big Dig.
Budweiser is the King of Beers only if Arby’s is the King of Restaurants.
Anyone who calls herself a poet should be required to sign an affidavit saying she has had non-academic experience in her life. Otherwise, she should be limited to publishing her work only in her family holiday letter. It’s really for the best.
I expect my cause of death will be listed as “Fatal stroke caused by stress related to no non-gender singular pronoun in English.” See previous entry for an example.
A kind-of racist joke does not exist. It’s either racist or it’s not racist. The same likely goes for the teller.
The term “let’s take it offline” is among this year’s crop of business-speak terms. It’s evolved–no, devolved–to mean “let’s discuss later.” So educated people with large salaries are now heard saying “I can’t talk now, so let’s take it offline” or “let’s take this offline–I’ll e-mail you later.” Sigh.
Playing fantasy sports does require certain skills. Those skills have little to do with following the actual sport.
Downtown Boston no longer has a large bookstore. This isn’t right.
I like the song “My Own Prison” by Creed, and for the hell of me I can’t figure out why. Bad band, bad singer, hypocritical stance, mediocre lyrics, simplistic guitars, really bad singer. God does work in mysterious ways indeed. Apologies to Mike Hess—please still be my friend.
Greedo didn’t shoot first.
The right to U.S. citizenship should be evaluated every ten years, just to weed out the losers who were born here and don’t know a good thing when they have it. Factors for grading could include voting record, basic knowledge of U.S. history and the Constitution, some basic respect for the President as an entity, and exercising our freedoms without being a big mouth. Number of flag stickers should not be a criterion.
Belief in God is either highly overrated or vastly undervalued, depending on how close your car is to the edge of the cliff.
Drinking beer in public should be allowed for those with a proven record of civic excellence. Like me, for instance.
All meat eaters should kill their meal at least once a year to ensure commitment to the cause.
All vegans should fund scientific research to ensure that plants feel no pain or have no soul.
All who insist upon calling themselves “pescatarians” should hang their head in shame for being a failure on both sides of the animal rights debate. It’s okay to make choices in life without insisting upon a label, goddammit.
I still think smoking can look cool. Thank goodness I never worried about being cool for a day in my life.
Finally, what I don’t know would take the rest of my life to write, so I opted for the easier of the options.

10 Responses to “What I Know (but Only Because You Asked)”

  1. scott says:

    I know that there are some other things you know.
    Examples: I know you know the lyrics to several Wings songs, and most if not all Beatles songs
    I know you know how to spin a station wagon on Van Dorn St and look even cooler than the cool-looking smoking guy.
    I know you know how to eat a tostada without wearing it.
    I know you know how to make a good sandwich and wear a visor at the same time.
    And, of course, (wait for it…) I know you know to wear sunscreen on the tops of your feet if you choose to go barefoot at a car wash.
    Your knowledge is more impressive than you let on, Mr. Leary…
    (Now, I am either the a-hole who just tried to "improve" upon your writing, or I'm the a-hole who overdisclosed your high school years to your readers in the weak attempt to make you smile. Hopefully I'm the lesser of the two a-holes, whichever that may be.)

    • Jason says:

      Scott, you are anything but an a-hole, my friend. What you are is a wizard with memories, a champ of good-natured comments, and a king of making me laugh. Thank you for your time investment in this response!

  2. emmy em says:

    Thank you so much for the nice v thoughtful comment. Please put that on a postcard.

  3. llxt says:

    "King" Budweiser indeed. Those jokers. Speaking of which, we have a 12-pack (10 left) of Bud in our garage that some dude brought over, drank two of, and then left here… If anyone wants them, come on by…! Ain't nobody here drinking a bud. (Personally, I am not allowed to ever since that incident in Fenway Park. Everyone else here just has great taste.)
    I also like the one about drinking in public. I hesitated in pointing this out, as that would indicate the only two witticisms that speak to me have to do with Beer, which just ain't true. And, yet, I went ahead to point it out. Argh. Going to open a beer now…

  4. Beth says:

    "I expect my cause of death will be listed as “Fatal stroke caused by stress related to no non-gender singular pronoun in English.” See previous entry for an example."
    If it can't be an official cause of death, perhaps at least a specific kind of paranoia in the DSM?

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