Is it really our dream to Go Green?

Sure, fads are fun. And, in our beloved malleable America, they seem to take off quicker than a jackrabbit being chased by a coyote.  For example: Greenerism, also known as “the new eco-consciousness that’s causing us all to reevaluate our completely-fine-if-not-benign moral methodologies.” The problem is (shhhhh…don’t tell anyone…), “Going Green” just isn’t that American.

Still don’t believe me? Check out the following “green” activities our friends and neighbors are performing as we speak. From the uber-popular to the WTF-crazy, they are all are decidedly anti-The American Dream. And I’m here to tell you why (in case you’re too un-American to figure it out on your own…)

1. Lose the Dryer.

I don’t know if anyone has been to Home Depot or Sears lately, but there are about 2,000 different species of dryer you can ogle over before making your purchase. How is the average non-informed American supposed to know not to buy a dryer, when there are so many available? Besides, do you know how difficult it is to go without a dryer? You actually have to plan ahead; there’s no using the clothes line if rain is in the forecast. And a damp basement is no place for wet clothes. Trust me. Shall we just vote the city of Seattle out of America, in order to reach our eco-friendly quotas? Okay, about 3% of available dryer models are energy efficient, but those are the ones you ogle over before deciding to purchase one that won’t require you handing over your first born child at the check-out line. Outside of the fact that this would mean you can’t go to the self-check-out line (Americans are so independent!), it also seems pretty un-American to give up your firstborn before (s)he is old enough to go off to war.

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2. Unplug at Night. Again, Americans are LAZY. At least, those of us born in America are. Last time I checked, the proliferation of technology is a pretty big deal for Americans. Not just because it improves our lives by allowing an online substitute for every single time we might need to leave the house, or get off the couch even, but because we need the constant presence of technology to remind us that We Are Brilliant. There’s a reason those little numbers on your alarm clock glow in the dark. Because it’s brilliantly American. Lastly, Americans do not “unplug.” We sleep with the TV on; we twitter with our eyes closed. We buy pajamas with pockets, turn our cell phones on “lullaby ring” and throw them in our pocket. We have electric blankets to keep us warm, battery-operated noise machines to help us sleep, and a shitload of technology-equipped gadgets to keep our sex lives going strong. We even plug in little TV screens to monitor our babies sleeping all night long. Why? Because babies are the ultimate reminder that destroying the earth is totally worth the hassle.

3. Use Re-Usable Grocery Bags. I admit; this one is tricky. The fact that you have to purchase the reusable grocery bags and they come in different colors and designs and are basically a huge marketing ploy on the part of all stores nationwide and people tote them around even when they’re not carrying groceries just because they’re hip is so American it hurts. However. Do not be fooled. Despite the popularity and price tag of these bags, their {intended} use is still very anti-American. They are designed to be reused. HELLO! Did the pilgrims reuse their corn husks? No. Do Presidents reuse white house bathroom blueprints? NO. Does Michael Jordan ever wear the same shoes twice? Hell {2 the} No.

4. Reduce your Driving Time. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in a bit of an economy “crisis.” From what I understand by watching primetime television, there are two ways to solve this crisis: buy a new house and buy a new car. If I am to buy both, I can only afford to buy a new house that’s in the middle of nowhere, which means longer driving time. Therefore, if I reduce my driving time, we’re looking at a breach in contract with the country I long to see prosper. Good try, green campaigners. But I’m not fooled.

5. Take Shorter Showers. Speaking of big brother…

6. Compost. So, a couple non-American ideas going on here. One, composting is very, very difficult. Anyone who tells you differently is basically lying. And in case you didn’t know, the Protestant Work Ethic originated in Britain, which means Americans are still up in the air about whether or not they like it. Two, it requires no technology (see #3). Three, composting basically goes against everything we stand for as Americans: progress, huge-ass trash trucks and a fucking badass trash can to match my outdoor cooler & 50-gallon deck box. Also, have you ever noticed how satisfied (read: American) you feel when you trash those egg shells? Admit it; after making a really good round of scrambie eggs, you sometimes hoop it up.

7. Go to the Library. It’s hard to conceive how the library could be anti-American, especially given its recent forray into the world wide web, which, we all know, America (e.g. Al Gore) invented. However, if you think about it long, you will realize that encouraging people to read at all is not exactly the best way to go if you want the country’s intelligence to remain sub-par enough to continue to vote for {non-literate} buffoons. Additionally, libraries have a lot more information than your average bookstore, with a librarian who cares about you getting right information. You see, in a library, all books are equal (free). And people are equal, too; anyone can get a card, check out a book, and learn things. This is in direct opposition to the great American institution of the mega-bookstore, in which books that don’t “sell” (because they suck) are sold at reduced prices to people who aren’t smart enough to figure out that expensive books are expensive because they’re better.

8. Turn on the Tap. Don’t get me wrong, there are many, many people in America right now who are anxious to the nth degree about the plastic water bottle situation. But, being liberal, they are also over-analyzing the effects of their proposed action to the point that they end up not really doing anything about it. Which American among us will be the first to put this guy out of his job? It’s in the name of the environment!

9. Print on Both Sides of the Page. Ha ha ha ha. LMAO. This reminds me of that “tip” to conserve paper by printing on the backside of junk mail you’ve received…letters from your senator or what-not. How silly is that? I mean, where would I keep this junk mail until I need to use it? I can’t go dig paper out of the trash just to print something! Besides, one-sided, double-spaced, 12-point, Times-New-Roman-font printing is a landmark educational gem passed down through generations of white-collar Americans. And if that isn’t reason enough to spit those copies out one by one, just remember what got America where she is today: staunch, stubborn, and downright expensive one-sidedness! Never forget!!

10. Drink Fair Trade Coffee.* According to the latest National Coffee Drinking Trend survey from the National Coffee Association of USA, Inc., Americans do not drink fair trade coffee. According to chairman Jonathan T. Feuer, “Fair trade coffee just isn’t American.” Seconded Eve Snyder, from Kraft Foods and current participant of the Market Research Committee, “He’s right. They don’t.”

11. Buy a Hybrid, not a Hummer.

Euro-wannabe, eco-anxious metrosexual: Ugh. Hummers are soooo last year. Big is soooo not better.

New roomie/average American: Actually, there’s a new H3 that is really good for the environment. Hummer has really come a long way.

Euro-wannabe, eco-anxious metrosexual: No way! I bet they come back next year. (thinks: I better buy one now to be fashion forward.)

12. Mow the Lawn without Gasoline. Not to burst your eco-bubble, but it’s pretty much a well-known fact that only lesbians don’t use gasoline in their lawn mowers. And I think we can all agree that being a lesbian is definitely not American. It would be much better if some tortured American over-achieving child would just invent a self-cutting lawn!

13. Avoid the Drive-Thru. As you can see, we’ve now moved into the section of green activities that are so anti-American, I’m surprised I’m able to write them here without a secret service agent showing up at my door. I can only assume he got held up in the line at McDonald’s. And who can blame him? The Drive-Thru might possibly be–no, I think it IS–America’s #1 greatest invention of all time. Imagine the corporate pig meetings:

Pig #1 – “I’m really getting tired of getting OUT of my caddy to go into Mickey D’s and order. It’s like, after wading through the humid, human masses, I no longer want to eat 2 all-beef patties with special sauce, lettuce and cheese.”

Pig #2 – “I know exactly what you mean. This morning, when I went in to get my pancake breakfast, I actually had to stand up, in line, for, like, 15 minutes or so. By the time I got up there, the coffee had cooled down to 99.5 degrees and I had to ask them to microwave it!”

Pig #3 – “Hmmm…What if there was a way for us to order our food and pay for it without getting out of the car? Some sort of…drive-up system, with windows, where they use machines to ask you what you want ahead of time.” Pig #1 – Radical idea, George! “We might even be able to decrease our bottom line; you know, get rid of some of the non-machinery help around there…”

All pigs look at each other and grunt.

Pig #2 – “This must be a good idea! It’s making me damn hungry!”

14. Skip the Beef. Two things I know for certain about Americans: A) they don’t like to be told NOT to do something and B) they love their beef.

15. Leave Grass Clippings on the Lawn. Five words: What would the Cleavers do? Also ask yourself, what would these people do? Because I feel like they mow the lawn for fun and probably don’t care if the grass clippings say on the lawn. In fact, they probably aren’t even actually mowing. But I digress. Now ask yourself which is more American: Having fun or mowing the grass RIGHT???

16. Give up Paper Towels. I can still remember my horror about six months ago, when my 7-year-old niece announced to me: “I can’t wash my hands anymore; It’s bad for the environment!!” But, according to one website I researched, rather than giving up the washing of hands altogether to save our tree-killing addiction to all things paper & perforated, you can actually just save your old, tattered clothes and dry your hands, dishes, bottom, etc. on them. (Finally!! a better use for those Black Concert T’s then the landfill we call “Daddy’s Special Drawer.”) This suggestion, in particular, strikes me as very prejudiced towards two important groups in our country: the Veterans and the Homeless. So, if a vet doesn’t want to get rid of his American-flag-bandana and smelly “America Rocks” t-shirt, he can’t recycle with the rest of us? Wouldn’t it actually help our planet more (and by “help,” i mean improve our country’s tattered image) if we donated some of our “rags” to that poor homeless person still walking around in stonewashed denim? To be fair, I do remember my mom using the same pair of dirty skivvies as a dustrag for several years, but something tells me if I had picked them up to dry off the dishes, she probably would’ve sent me to my room.

17. Buy Longer Lasting Products. Like I said: crazy! I mean, if all Americans start buying longer-lasting products, then, in like 2 years or so, we won’t have anything to buy. Target will go out of business. Stay-at-home moms will go crazy. Our kids won’t know what Craigslist is. There won’t be anything by the side of the road for garbage pickers to go through. Landfills will gradually cease to exist. In other words, America, as we know it, will die.

18. “Free”cycle your shit. Um. Excuse me. But–as an AMERICAN–I have worked hard for my crappy stuff, and I don’t care if someone else who can’t afford it would benefit from its use. It’s mine. M-I-N-E, mine. Not yours, mine. It’s bad enough that we have programs like welfare and WIC, not to mention that people who served in a war get a ton of stuff for free. It’s my basic, God-given, American right to sell my stuff on E-bay. And I’m damn well going to do it. Even if it never sells. I will never give up hope that it will sell. Why? Because I believe in capitalism. And for capitalism to survive, there…must…be…goods. Bought and sold. You want my stuff, bitches? Put away the puppy dog eyes and get out your Benjamins.

19. Stop Being Greedy. (See Above)

20. Love the Color Green, also known as Make Sure Everything You Eat, Drink or Buy is Green. Well, the main problem with this is, of course, that Green is *not* one of the sacred colors, namely the Red, the White & the Blue. I don’t think even the highly accomplished Obama could get Americans to add another color to the flag. Now, he might “reform” the flag and slightly shift the color spectrum to, say, “Maroon, Cream & Nigrescent,” but I don’t see Green happening anytime soon.

*Quotes in this article are completely made up. But don’t let that spoil it for you.

Filed under: Green Ethics by llxtm
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