« »

Don't You Love My Fur? Be Cool—It's Faux Animal Corpse Skinnings

We’re on our way to another formal event, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Nothing makes me feel better than bedecking myself in sartorial opulence. There is a certain joy that comes from wearing an outfit that costs more than a car. Well, not my car, but you understand my point.

Of course, that joy disappears faster than Burberry’s fall collection of handbags when others at these events are dressed as finely as me. This is why I love the winter galas, as I am able to stand apart by adorning my outfit with yards and yards of gorgeous fur.

Wait—let me correct myself before you think badly of me. It’s faux fur.

That’s right, no animals were hurt in any way. I just love celebrating the unbearable pain and suffering that the animals go through for others who wear real furs.  That’s the kind of person I am.

Obviously in supporting fur as a fashion statement and a sign of sumptuous living, I promote an industry that abuses, tortures, and slaughters millions of animals each year for the sake of looking wealthy. Many of these miserable beings live their horrible lives on farms, crammed into impossibly small cages and malnourished for months before being gassed, strangled, electrocuted, or drowned. And those are the lucky ones—many are skinned alive! Animals in the wild, meanwhile, are trapped by all sorts of cruel devices, including steel-jaw leghold traps, body-gripping traps, and wire neck snares, where they wait for days in agony before being killed. And you’re probably thinking only of the animals with famous fur, right? Well, there is also no reliable way to confirm that the fur is indeed from a fox or mink rather than, say, dogs and cats.

But they are not being killed for my apparel, so it’s okay. I only support it whole-heartedly. It’s not like there’s a sign on my full-length mink that says “fake.” That would ruin it! No, by wearing something that looks like a real fur, I propagate a cultural acceptance for a practice that is unquestionably impossible to justify in a modern age. Wearing a faux fur is like smoking fake cigarettes in front of kids, but not telling them they’re fake. They’ll be inspired to go smoke actual cigarettes! Isn’t that hilarious?

Faux fur is becoming passé, though. Every ordinary millionaire is doing it. I need something new. I think I may invest in a stole of human skin and hair. What? No, of course it’s not real—I’m not a psychopath. It’s artificial skin and hair. I think if I stick with this idea, it may catch on. I can then branch out into more extreme human dismemberment fashions. Everyone will look my way if I walk into the ball with a detached human arm draped upon my shoulders. They’ll call me monster, villain, or animal, and I’ll laugh as I tell them, “no you sillies, it’s faux.” Then we’ll all laugh together as they learn to understand that there’s really no difference at all between fake fur and fake human parts.

We’ve arrived. Be a dear and help me out of my real-looking pretend carcass, won’t you?

13 responses to “Don't You Love My Fur? Be Cool—It's Faux Animal Corpse Skinnings”

  1. Avatar scott h says:

    Can't stop thinking about Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.
    Not sure if I blame you or myself for that.
    Happy New Year Jason!

    • Jason Jason says:

      Ha–exactly! I see little difference between faux fur and "it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Happy New Year to you and yours as well, my friend.

  2. Owen Owen says:

    Man, I really hope fake human parts come into fashion soon. I can't tell you how long I've been holding on to my fake-baby-arm Burberry scarf. One of these days…

  3. llxt llxt says:

    There are so many real problems out there; I feel like not wearing or supporting the wearing of fur is a no-brainer. Wake up, take a shower, don't wear fur. What's so hard about that??

    • Jason Jason says:

      Well, I don't consider this an anti-fur piece. That's like writing an anti-racism piece, or an article about not picking on wimps. No kidding! Too easy an argument. My focus is on the acceptance of fake fur, which even PETA is okay with and, on their website, seems to support. I just don't understand it. Why is a fake version of something horrific okay? Can I wear fake blood splatters on my shirt, and then explain "it's fine–it's just fake." Good god.

  4. Kail Kail says:

    Hilarious and poignant, J, great work.
    I'm quite surprised PETA supports fake fur.

    • llxt llxt says:

      I'm not… The more people who buy {into} fake fur, the less that will feel the need to buy real fur. It makes perfect sense, at least from a marketing standpoint. (I won't comment on the ethical standpoint.)

  5. Avatar disperse says:

    PETA needs to bring those "I'd rather go naked" commercials back…

  6. Avatar The Tailor says:

    Interesting take, Jason.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

« »
RSS | Contact | Contribute | Login


October 2011
Kiss & Tell
July 2011
May 2011
2011 Best Of