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Viz.

Small Crimes Deserving Revised Sentences
Woman kills man who calls her a bitch. Revision: Increase
the man’s punishment to jail time for his family. And of
course the woman should get no time. Someone has to put a
stop to casual “bitch” references.
Jaywalking in Boston. Revision: Can we formally make this
legal? We all know someday some pissed-off police officer
is going to issue a ticket to the throng jaywalking in
front of him. Let’s eliminate the infinitesimal chance of
being fined once and for all.
Getting a boner at a public pool. Revision: Let’s charge
$50 to those charged, plus reduction of wages if the boner
is small.
Looking at a girl’s ass. Revision: $250 fine for every time
caught. Sound high? Not if you know how to look at girl’s
ass without getting caught. Down with stupidity!
Looking at a guy’s ass. Revision: $15 charge for not doing
this once a month. Let’s see Big Government’s help in
giving a guy’s butt some due lookage. Side revision: 10
years in prison for anyone who refers to any ass as “buns.”
Tucking a T-shirt into jeans. Revision: Capital punishment.
Dress up or dress down, but not in between.
Going to a barely legal website. Revision: A letter to your
parents, extended family, friends, acquaintances, familiar
clergy, co-workers, schoolmates and teachers, plus a
billboard erected in your neighborhood notifying everyone
in the area of your choice of websites. To paraphrase
Patton Oswalt, isn’t Barely Legal the same as being Almost
a Pedophile?
Eating veal. Revision: Something, for God’s sake. Maybe
your children being put into a small cage, fattened, and
then sent to a family of high-end calves to be consumed
with some pasta fagioli and tiramasu?
Honking at women. Revision: Immediate loss of license, plus
100 hours in the Shake It, Don’t Break It Mama wing of the
local psychiatric ward.
Bumming cigarettes. Revision: Loss of supermarket and gas
station privileges for a month so you’re forced to bum
other items from people and therefore see how ridiculous
and affronting your request is.
Small Crimes Deserving Decriminalization
Using nice drugs.
Easily identified fraud (rationalization: those suckers
deserve it)
Liking classic rock (Let’s be fair, most radio stations
don’t offer legit alternatives to CSNY.)
Driving SUVs (Unless those against these gas-guzzlahs have
made major steps to reduce their carbon footprint — I’m
talking of Thoreau levels — they aren’t significantly
better than the driver of one of these beasts. Plus, with
Hummer dying a deserving death, it’s almost kitsch to drive
one!)
Not saying Mahmoud Ahmadinejad correctly (I’m all for
watching the news and being aware, but some names are just
hard. Besides, I challenge anyone from Iran to say
Billerica or Gloucester correctly.)
Underage smoking (Thought: If they want to live hard and
die young, let ’em die. There, I said it.)
Mustaches (What, this isn’t a crime? Okay, sorry, it
probably should be.)
Non-Crimes Deserving Criminalization
Watching bad TV. Every time you indulge in a guilty
pleasure, studios are inspired to keep making awful shows.
Try to explore a real guilty pleasure, like eating 50 eggs
or masturbating to Redbook)
Using the term “retard.” You should die. You suck shit.
You’re horrible and loathsome.
Saying “often” with a hard T. Seriously, that deserves some
time.
Complaining about the government but not voting. Gross.
Not staying by your sports team when they suck.
Liking The Doors.
Sex with first cousins (Yes, not a crime in many U.S.
states. If your sex partner has a mom or dad who grew up in
the same house with your mom or dad, you need to pull out,
take a long shower, and find a hobby that is chromosomally
nicer.)

Small Crimes Deserving Revised Sentences

  • Woman kills man who calls her a bitch. Revision: Increase the man’s punishment to jail time for his family. And of course the woman should get no time. Someone has to put a stop to casual “bitch” references.
  • Jaywalking in Boston. Revision: Can we formally make this legal? We all know someday some pissed-off police officer is going to issue a ticket to the throng jaywalking in front of him. Let’s eliminate the infinitesimal chance of being fined once and for all.
  • Getting a boner at a public pool. Revision: Let’s charge $50 to those charged, plus reduction of wages if the boner is small.
  • Looking at a girl’s ass. Revision: $250 fine for every time caught. Sound high? Not if you know how to look at girl’s ass without getting caught. Down with stupidity!
  • Looking at a guy’s ass. Revision: $15 charge for not doing this once a month. Let’s see Big Government’s help in giving a guy’s butt some due lookage. Side revision: 10 years in prison for anyone who refers to any ass as “buns.”
  • Tucking a T-shirt into jeans. Revision: Capital punishment. Dress up or dress down, but not in between.
  • Going to a barely legal website. Revision: A letter to your parents, extended family, friends, acquaintances, familiar clergy, co-workers, schoolmates and teachers, plus a billboard erected in your neighborhood notifying everyone in the area of your choice of websites. To paraphrase Patton Oswalt, isn’t Barely Legal the same as being Almost a Pedophile?
  • Eating veal. Revision: Something, for God’s sake. Maybe your children being put into a small cage, fattened, and then sent to a family of high-end calves to be consumed with some pasta fagioli and tiramasu?
  • Honking at women. Revision: Immediate loss of license, plus 100 hours in the Shake It, Don’t Break It Mama wing of the local psychiatric ward.
  • Bumming cigarettes. Revision: Loss of supermarket and gas station privileges for a month so you’re forced to bum other items from people and therefore see how ridiculous and affronting your request is.

Small Crimes Deserving Decriminalization

  • Using nice drugs.
  • Easily identified fraud (rationalization: those suckers deserve it)
  • Liking classic rock (Let’s be fair, most radio stations don’t offer legit alternatives to CSNY.)
  • Driving SUVs (Unless those against these gas-guzzlahs have made major steps to reduce their carbon footprint — I’m talking of Thoreau levels — they aren’t significantly better than the driver of one of these beasts. Plus, with Hummer dying a deserving death, it’s almost kitsch to drive one!)
  • Not saying Mahmoud Ahmadinejad correctly (I’m all for watching the news and being aware, but some names are just hard. Besides, I challenge anyone from Iran to say Billerica or Gloucester correctly.)
  • Underage smoking (Thought: If they want to live hard and die young, let ’em die. There, I said it.)
  • Mustaches (What, this isn’t a crime? Okay, sorry, it probably should be.)

Non-Crimes Deserving Criminalization

  • Watching bad TV. Every time you indulge in a guilty pleasure, studios are inspired to keep making awful shows. Try to explore a real guilty pleasure, like eating 50 eggs or masturbating to Redbook)
  • Using the term “retard.” You should die. You suck shit. You’re horrible and loathsome.
  • Saying “often” with a hard T. Seriously, that deserves some time.
  • Complaining about the government but not voting. Gross.
  • Not staying by your sports team when they suck.
  • Liking The Doors.
  • Sex with first cousins (Yes, not a crime in many U.S. states. If your sex partner has a mom or dad who grew up in the same house with your mom or dad, you need to pull out, take a long shower, and find a hobby that is chromosomally nicer.)

One response to “Viz.”

  1. Avatar WreckedUm says:

    I tried to post a real comment, but I can't get past my urge to ask Ben Wa about his balls.

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